By Jurassic Tart
Posted Monday, June 20th, 2016
Previously on Teenage Newlyweds: Three couples made huge mistakes all in the search of booty.
We open on the Mormon wedding, with Haylie’s dad talking about having a Christ centered life and marriage, which is “not a popular position to take today.” Well, Mr. Mormon, Uncle Google tells me that 70.6% of Americans identify as Christian, and my own peer-reviewed research tells me that 93% of them post shitty memes on Facebook about how God is working in their lives and through their spouse, etc. So I call shenanigans on that statement. People might not live their religion, but they sure pay lip service to it, so let’s not act like having a Christ-centered marriage is a Big Fucking Deal. Having a Satan-centered marriage would be “not a popular position to take today.”
Next up, Joey sticks his head up Emma’s skirt...but just to pull out the garter. And Joey’s mom says in very coded language that they don’t have a shot in hell because they don’t know themselves yet.
Finally, we check in with Brenda and Travis, and Brenda’s sister rightly predicts they are doomed because Travis sucks and is a Trump supporter, probably.
Back to the Mormons, their car has been lined with condoms, but it takes George and Hailieey a hot minute to realize those are not balloons. With the nothing they know about sex-ed, I am confident George saves these open and unrolled condoms for future use. George and Haylii say, “we’re freaking married” and high five, which they count as foreplay. George cops a half a second feel, Heileye dies of laughter, and George comes in his pants. George then interviews that he’s heard that people should be prepared for a little bit of a letdown the first time, because it’s not as awesome as you expect. But, again, shenanigans: you can’t be let down when you have no expectations because you have never been told what sex is. Oh dear, as they are driving up to their hotel, Hailyee makes fucking Arsenio Hall noises!!!! Whoo Whoo Whoo. Haileeh, do you know what century it is? Hailyee makes also duck face a lot, both in her interviews and ITL (in taped life). So, instead of learning to spell her name, she shall now be Duckface.
Duckface
Now we are back to Emma and Joey, and I need to address the elephant in the room. Emma and Joey look completely different in their interviews than they do in ITL. It’s like the show hired different actors to do the interviews. Or, more likely, in the three months between taping the show and taping the interviews, marriage killed all the joy in them. Emma’s new misery hair is straight out of a 1987 Motley Crue video, so henceforth, she shall be Motley.
Before
After
Motley then says the dumbest fucking thing, “We’ve never been on a vacation together, alone.” Yeah, because you are 19. Up until this point, chaperones were required for all field trips.
Okay, and here we go, the grossest scene in this episode. Please drink now. Brenda and Pubeface (and no, I will not be providing a screen shot of Pubeface because I don’t want to break my computer) talk about having sex. To quote one of my favorite shows of all time, Reno911, Pubeface is a three bagger--one bag for his head, one for hers, and one for whomever happens to be looking in the window. He’s gross looking, is what I’m saying.
But then Travis (he gets his name for this one paragraph) is actually sweet. Brenda talks about how she lost her virginity at 15, and then felt devalued when the guy dumped her, and Travis is really nice and talks about how much he values her. So, point to Travis.
Pubeface interviews about how he is nervous to have sex, and Brenda comforts him by saying, “I’m sure it’s going to fit.” Brenda, let’s hang out sometime. You’re awesome.
Duckface and George still haven’t sealed the deal because the cameras won’t leave. George has some rare insight and says, “Maybe I should be more prepared for this.” Duckface then complains how tired she is, and I’m wondering if she is going to have a “headache” or “need to wash her hair.” Cliffhanger! Oh, but before we leave this awkward scene, George gifts us with this gem in the interview, “It’s something we’ve never done before, so that our bodies are gonna kind of be like, whoa, I like this, but it’s kind of weird.” George Mormon, poet laureate.
Motley and Joey explore the exotic city of Victoria, BC for their honeymoon. This whole scene is a montage to their shitty decision making. Motley says they are now forced to act like adults while Joey says that’s never going to happen. Joey’s parents try and look at the bright side while Motley’s parents predict they will get divorced when things get tough. Joey buys tickets for the Avengers on IMAX while Motley pretends she would have rather gone to a museum.
Now we check in with Duckface and George and their bloody sheets, which George is required to give to Duckface’s parents so Mom can complete Hayleeigh’s baby book. Duckface and George both confirm they had mind-blowing sex and are the best sexers to ever sex. See above about having zero expectations or knowledge.
On their morning after, Pubes grabs Brenda while she’s doing her hair and is all, “Did you have fun last night? Did you? Was it the best sex ever? Did I give you 100 orgasms?” and all Brenda can do is give a noncommittal “mmmhmm.” Never change, Brenda. Brenda and Pubes then read from a boring advice jar that people could fill during the reception. It is full of the usual trite crap, but Brenda’s mom and sister advise them not to talk about politics or they will get a divorce.
OMG, Duckface’s mom says she got them some wedding night icebreakers to make it not so awkward. Why didn’t we see that?? What do you think the icebreaker game was? Apples to Anuses? DuckDad says intimacy is important, and DuckMom says men view intimacy as sex and women view intimacy as deep conversation, and somewhere a feminist angel loses her wings. Duckface and George return home and mom and sisters are dying to know how the sex was and it’s all very awkward and high school...oh right, Duckface just finished high school.
Brenda doesn’t have a lot of money and pulled $4000 out of her college fund to pay for her wedding. To him? The $2000 they got as gifts almost covers the necessary 1 month + security for their new apartment. The price of sacred sex in CA is apparently $6000. Sad trombone. And now, the best scene of the night. Brenda’s luggage gets searched at the airport, when they are leaving for their honeymoon. Brenda admits to the security guard that there is a vibrator in her luggage, and then she tells Pubes that people use it for their back! Brenda!! I guess she wants to ensure that her half of the honeymoon will not be as lackluster as the wedding night. Girl, you go get you some.
Brenda and Pubes have to separate for three weeks when they get back from their honeymoon, and they act like they are fucking Jack and Rose on the sinking Titanic. Pubes strums an acoustic guitar, while Brenda sits on the floor and looks at pictures. The loneliest music plays. And later Travis caterwauls a song he wrote that is literally one line, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to say “I love you” to someone like you...and that’s all I have so far.” Watch out, John Mayer.
Motley and Joey are back from Canada, and Motley’s parents basically interview that they haven’t been living in reality yet. I love Motley’s mom. Joey works at the local feed store and seems to really like his job. He complains that Motley is a nag. Not surprising. Next, Motley starts nagging him about what they are doing with their lives. She wants to buy a house. He is not into it because “I don’t really like moving.” Can’t argue with that logic. OK, here’s the thing. Joey is really happy with his life. He like his job and he likes his rental house, and for now, he likes his wife. He is not ambitious. As long as he can pay the bills, who freaking cares. Not everyone can climb the corporate ladder or it will become top-heavy and fall over. But Motley wants more out of life than Dallas, OR can give her, and goshdarnit, she will nag Joey until he gives in. They are not a good match. I have no idea why they got married because they were clearly living together beforehand. They are going to be that couple that hates each other, but never divorces, and makes everyone else really uncomfortable to be around. Motley and Joey, please don’t invite me to your parties.
Duckface is packing up her room, and she acts like she won’t see her family ever again. You’re moving one state over, get some perspective. Duckface complains that she is moving away from her family, but they will be 5 minutes from George’s parents. Her sisters are all “yeah, that’s not fair”, so I shall be the voice of reason for them. George did a mission. A mission is two years away from your family, and you are only allowed to call home on Christmas and Mother’s Day. So George will not be running to his family for everything. But if they stayed next to the Duck Pond, Duckface admits she would run home all the time instead of leaning on her husband.
And now for an actually heartbreaking scene (unlike Brenda and Pubes “I don’t live with my spooouuussseeee!” shit). DuckDad and DuckMom reminisce about the kids being little, and DuckMom wishes she could go back in time because her entire purpose in life was to be a mom, and she sees her usefulness waning. She says all she’s done for 25 years is have kids and raise them and “now what?” Oh honey, and this is the life you are consigning your daughter to? She will be where you are in 25 years (though hopefully not on an embarrassing reality show).
The world’s smallest violin plays a sad song for Joey and Motley, who are working different schedules and never see each other. I feel like their different work schedules give their marriage a fighting chance.
And we end with a DuckFamily prayer, and George reflects that Duckface was in high school 3 months ago and that sweet booty would have been illegal. But now, totally legal! High five!
Next time: More crying! Pubes thinks he will raise Republicans! George says women are from Venus!
DuckMom cry count: 4 times.
Orgasms had by Duckface: 0
Orgasms had by Brenda: 100, thanks to her vibrator
Number of times Duckface and George said “I love you”: 2
Odds that Joey and Motley are actually in love: 0
About the Author:
I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.
I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.
