By El Tarto
Posted on Saturday, June 25th
There were a number of reasons that I often used to give to others about why I exclusively formula fed my daughter. I am a sufferer of depression and OCD, and the medication I take is not safe for breastfeeding. I was planning on returning to work after having my baby- I worked at a dog kennel at the time and there wasn’t exactly a private place where I would have been comfortable pumping. I was molested in college and breastfeeding would have reminded me of the trauma. I used to frequently give out the above reasons to those who asked- even perfect strangers- so that they could judge whether or not my decision not to breastfeed was appropriate and justified. Those reasons are all part of why I chose not to breastfeed. But the most important and main reason for why I didn’t breastfeed or even try was because I didn’t want to.
My breasts have always been very sexual for me and something I enjoy during sexual play. The idea of putting my breast into the mouth of a child makes me feel like a pervert. On a logical level, I completely understand that breasts are dual purpose. I have zero problem with other women breastfeeding and would never judge someone else for her choice to do so. But I have never been able to get over my emotions of disgust and discomfort towards me personally breastfeeding and it is not something that I am interested in trying.
I fed my daughter Similac Advance until she was a year old and never had any problems with it. She didn’t spit up a lot and her poop was normal baby poop. We didn’t have a dishwasher so I did have to wash and sterilize bottles, but it really wasn’t that bad- I had about 8 bottles and nipples that we would use and wash/sterilize at night. We had to do dishes anyway- adding a few bottles really was not that big of a hassle. I used warm tap water when making the formula, so there was no heating bottles in the middle of the night. We had to remember to pack formula and a bottle or two in the diaper bag, but it wasn’t a big hassle because we were packing a diaper bag anyway.
I adored formula feeding for a variety of different reasons. Because of formula, I was able to continue my antidepressants and I was able to take pain medication while recovering from my c-section. Because of formula, my daughter was not dependent on me for feedings and I was able to have my mom come over to watch my daughter and let me take a completely undisturbed nap. I felt free to go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted, and did not feel confined in my home due to feeding schedule. Because of formula, I was comfortable feeding my baby in front of my dad, brother, uncles, and grandfather. I was able to enjoy a glass of wine or two without having to worry about passing alcohol to my baby. Formula made me feel like my body belonged to me again and making the choice for myself helped for me to feel empowered. Without question, formula is a choice I would happily make again without attempting to breastfeed.
Dad can feed the baby while I nap
The only downside that I had with formula feeding was the harassment. In the hospital, when I told the nurse that no, I was not interested in having a lactation consultant come into my room and that we would be feeding formula only, the nurse rolled her eyes and called me “young” and “uneducated.” I was young but hardly uneducated about breastfeeding. My mother accused me of not wanting to bond with my baby- seven years later she still disagrees with my decision to not even try. A stranger in the store once approached me while I was buying formula and told me that if I fed my daughter Similac, she would be fat like me. A mom in my daughter’s pre-school wouldn’t let her child play with mine when she found out that I didn’t breastfeed because she thought it was neglectful. Now that my daughter has gotten older and the question is less relevant, it is asked less often, but it still exists. But I no longer feel the need to divulge my personal information and diagnoses to other people as a way to justify my decision. When I am asked, I am comfortable saying that I didn’t want to and then changing the subject. If others judge me for my decision, that is fine. I personally would rather have no friends at all than friends who would judge me based on whether or not my reason for formula feeding was “good enough.” I am proud of making a choice that I was comfortable with and for sticking to it.
About the Author:.
I'm a survivor. I have survived stillbirth, miscarriage, divorce, domestic violence, depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I'm a full time medical assistant and a full time mom who enjoys reading, growing vegetables, and eating sweets in the spare time that I do have.
