My Seven Year Old Has GAD and I Blame Myself

By El Tarto
Posted Wednesday, June 15th, 2016

“You can get through this, just focus on your breathing,” I say in my most calming voice possible as I rub my seven-year-old's back while she stands over the toilet. She has tears streaming down her cheeks, is shaking uncontrollably, and is so worked up that she is gagging.

“Slow and steady breathing. Count with me,” I remind her and we breathe in deeply while counting to four, holding for four counts, and exhaling slowly to the count of four. Wait and repeat. Her breathing becomes more regulated. Her body begins to stop shaking. I do my best to remain calm and not let her see the distress and guilt I am feeling that this will probably not be the last panic attack my daughter experiences.

In the never ending “nature vs. nurture” debate, I am not sure if the most recent studies show that children with anxiety disorders most likely inherited this, or if is because of how they were raised- but I don’t think my child stood a chance.

My daughter’s dad grew up with a severe case of trichotillomania (a disorder that involves hair pulling), and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when he was in high school. I have suffered from severe clinical depression for the past decade, and was diagnosed with OCD/trichotillomania in 2006.  I have been in therapy and on medication since my diagnoses, and I do my very best to manage my anxiety when I am around my daughter because I know that outbursts and compulsions can be terrifying for an adult to witness, much less for a child. I am not perfect- I do slip up more than I would like and let my anxiety show. I am sure that my anxiety disorders affect my parenting in more ways than I realize.

Despite my best efforts, I started noticing symptoms of excessive worry and lack of sleep when my daughter was five. It seemed to start after one morning she was late for the bus to school. Her step-dad drove her to school and to my knowledge, she did not get into trouble. 

However, in the days and weeks that followed, my daughter began having panic attacks every night, setting and checking multiple alarm clocks to make sure she would get up on time, and getting up as early as 3 in the morning because she was afraid of being late again. Some nights, she refused to sleep at all. Other nights, she would wake up in tears, unable to speak or move, and cry that her stomach hurt. A few times, she was so worked up that she actually vomited. 

I took my daughter to a pediatric psychologist, who diagnosed her with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, an anxiety disorder classified by excessive worry that interferes with your daily life. Additionally, she was evaluated for OCD. So far, she has not yet received that diagnosis, but her psychologist does regularly check for signs and my husband and I keep an ever vigilant eye on her behaviors. 

We currently do not have her on medication and manage her anxiety disorder with regular counseling sessions in addition to weekly yoga, a very strict bedtime routine and routine in the morning before school, regular breathing exercises and daily walks. We talk through fears that she has and “worst case scenario” worries, and we makes plans well in advance so that we avoid unnecessary stress with the unknown. This has helped her to sleep more at night, and for panic attacks to decrease to only a few times per month.

I feel an extreme amount of guilt. It breaks my heart to watch my little girl worry so much and it pains me that this is something she will probably struggle with forever. I wonder if things would be different for her if I had controlled my own anxiety better around her when she was younger; if her dad and I hadn’t gotten a divorce; if I had just taken that morning off from work and made sure she was on the bus on time. On my worst days, I feel personally responsible for my daughter’s anxiety, hopeless, and ashamed.

The good news is that as someone who has an anxiety disorder, I know how to help. I know what to say and what not to say. I know things that have been helpful for me that I have been able to teach her and practice with her. I know better how to meet her at her needs, because I live with similar struggles every day of my life. Managing anxiety is never easy, and it can be devastating to watch your child hurting and scared, but I know she will get through this. Just as I have been told repeatedly through my years of counseling that my diagnoses don’t define who I am- her diagnosis doesn’t define her or take away from the brilliant, compassionate, and strong person that she is. 


About the Author:
I'm a survivor. I have survived stillbirth, miscarriage, divorce, domestic violence, depression and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I'm a full time medical assistant and a full time mom who enjoys reading, growing vegetables, and eating sweets in the spare time that I do have.