Full Bellies: Sometimes Support Means Saying You Can Stop
By Agent Tarter
Posted Monday, June 27th, 2016
I am one of the few, lucky women who had a pretty universally awesome breastfeeding experience. Sure, there were a few lumps and bumps thanks to my oversupply – boobs as hard as boulders when my first started sleeping through the night comes to mind – but overall, I liked the process and found it fairly easy. So when my local breastfeeding support group was looking for volunteers for a peer-to-peer support line for new moms who wanted to breastfeed, I was happy to raise my hand. The key qualifications: 6 months of breastfeeding experience, 8 hours of training, a willingness to fill out a few forms after every contact, and a positive attitude.
The training day was about what you would expect: we got a quick rundown on key information about breastfeeding, supply, potential problems, and probably most importantly, when to refer the mom in question to medical assistance, rather than continuing to help her by e-mail or phone. I went home with a binder of information I could reference and waited to be matched with a peer. Because I am a shameless keener, I also bought Dr. Jack Newman’s Guide to Breastfeeding (he’s Canadian! said my patriotic side) and read it cover to cover.
And that was valuable, although not in the way you would expect.
What came through to me by the time that I was done reading the book was that this was a great resource for women who knew for sure they would do ANYTHING it took to breastfeed for as long as possible, but it wasn’t so great for women who weren’t sure. It was great for women who were determined to overcome their mastitis or low milk supply or latch problems by any means necessary, and not so great for women who were exhausted and desperate and just didn’t know if they could keep this going. And if you were a mom who didn’t find this whole nursing thing such a transformative bonding experience? Well, let’s just say you would have gotten the impression that there was something distinctly wrong with you.
The thing is, breastfeeding is a wonderful experience…if the baby is getting fed and if the mom enjoys it. But breastmilk won’t magically make things better if Mom is sobbing the whole time because it hurts, or because she’s so tired and she just needs three straight hours without worrying about the baby or the pump. Sure, there’s validity to saying that no formula yet can duplicate the unique milk a woman makes for her baby, but that doesn’t make formula battery acid. And if a mother is on the fence about whether nursing is right for her, guilt and second-guessing are not going to help.
One of the moms I was matched with during my time as a volunteer had to go back to work when her baby was four months old. Nursing had always been hard, and it became harder afterwards. Now she wasn’t just fighting a still-painful latch and an erratic supply, she was also dealing with plugged ducts and engorgement and breasts that just plain wouldn’t empty for the pump. And despite the breastfeeding she had already done, despite her increasing desperation, she simply couldn’t bring herself to say the lactation f-word of formula. When I suggested it, there were literally tears.
I’m a tremendous advocate for the breastfeeding relationship, but my more militant peers are damaging that cause far more than they are helping. Yes, we should absolutely educate mothers who want to breastfeed about the advantages of that, and also about the potential problems with including feeds of formula some or all of the time if you’re hoping to continue nursing. And we should definitely combat the stupid myths out there – no, well-meaning but ill-informed great grandmas, your milk cannot “sour in the breast.” But by treating women who “fail” to nurse successfully as if they have done their babies a disservice by switching to a nutritious, safe form of feeding, all we’re likely to do is scare people off. Better to be a terrible formula-feeder getting a decent night’s sleep from day one than a defector, a failure.
I will always support the women I know who want to breastfeed, and I’m happy to tell them about my positive experience with it. But a key part of truly supporting them is telling them that, if they reach that point where nursing is consistently more miserable than rewarding – for any reason – it is okay to stop. There is an option for that now.
Oh, and for the record…the mom who cried when I suggested she try formula was a lot happier the week after. We stayed in touch after my time as peer support was done. If she has another baby, she says she might try nursing again, or not…but she knows that, either way, she’ll be a good mom.
About the Author:
Avid reader, budding writer, incessant singer. Married to a partner with OCD and parent of a child with autism. My opinions may be slanted by my experiences living in the socialist paradise of Canada.
