By Jurassic Tart
Posted on Tuesday, July 5th, 2016
Previously on Teenage Newlyweds: Brenda let Travis put it in her, and I can’t even.
On this episode: Imma do you a service and provide a little abstract for this week’s non-episode. This is the most contrived thing I’ve seen on reality tv in quite some time. Brenda and Travis (Pubes) fake a pregnancy scare, Joey and Emma (Motley) consider the totally made up possibility that her womb is barren, and George’s brother gets paid by a producer to drop his kid off with George and Haiyliey (Duckface) so they can get some babysitting experience. The whole thing is the only show faker than Ancient Aliens.
We find our intrepid heroes, Motley and Joey, bitching about the fact that they don’t know anything. I have a feeling they have this conversation a lot. Motley and Joey both have different reading comprehension skills (Joey’s at a 2nd grade level, and Motley claims to read chapter books, but those chapter books are actually just Sweet Valley Kids). They don’t agree on what was in the mortgage broker contract they just signed. Motley talks out of her ass a lot, using the principle that if she just says something with enough confidence, people will believe her. People is Joey, and he brilliantly responds that he hasn’t studied real estate so can’t argue with her. Point Joey. They finally decide to use their phone a friend lifeline to call Joey’s dad. Joey’s dad tells Motley to STFU and listen to the broker. Motley is not pleased with being wrong.
Brenda has a cat named Cappuccino, and I’m not sure she knows it’s not a real kid. Brenda foreshadows her “story-line” for this week by saying how great life is without kids, and they don’t want kids for 10 years. Then she bathes Cappuccino and swaddles her into a cat burrito (same thing they serve at Taco Bell) and somehow manages not to get her face clawed off. Pubes says Brenda would be a good mom...because she wraps an annoyed cat in a blanket? Okay. THEN, oh THEN, the Republican in-laws talk about how Brenda will make the most amazing mom (because she’s Mexican and has such a good work ethic and being a SAHM will keep her from stealing real Americans’ jobs). Following that, Brenda’s mom gets real and says being a mom is no joke and most of the responsibility will fall to Brenda because she’s a woman (and her husband is a Republican douche) and it will ruin her life. I really like Brenda’s family.
Duckface does an interview while taking a poop--multitask girl!
Ducky talks about how hard it is to live away from her family, and I’m kinda wondering why she has never brought this up before. George says he’s been reflecting on the reason he got married so early, and that reason is “Um, I want a family, I want a strong family” which translates to “I want to stick it in my wife at least 8 times.” George and Ducky discuss how if they had a kid right then, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...no Georgie boy, the worst thing in the world comes a couple years later, when yournightmare child turns two. They discuss the preferred birth order of their children, like their future uteruses enclosed in female bodies matter at all (I’m being harsh, but I was Mormon for a brief time. Women’s sole purpose in life is to bear children and stay at home with them). They both devalue their future uterii with legs by talking about how many boys they want. Ducky says she wants two of the six to be uterii, and George is all, nah. THEN, oh Mormon Jesus, I am never going to leave this scene, but there is so much here. Then, Georgie says that he wants to wait because he still needs to get to know his wife first. Fuck you and your wet dream inspired sham wedding, George. Fuckface tells Ducky he knows she will be such a good mom. What is up with men thinking this is some great compliment to lay on a 18/19 year old? It just icks me out. Like, fellas, these women have other attributes. Also, they are children and should not be having children.
She skypes her sister, and her sister says to take a pregnancy test, and here we go with this fakeness because now she has to talk about the possibility of it being positive without ever taking the damn test. And that is the most annoying part of this ep. Take the damn test, then talk. Actually, talk about this shit before you get married and become sexually active. Pubes is a douche who said he would leave her if she got an abortion. Kids, that’s called a red flag. Do not get married if you do not agree BEFOREHAND what will happen if you get pregnant. Oh, wait, she clarifies to say that he said he would force her to have the child and then take the unwanted child and leave her. Perfect.
We then have a conveniently timed on camera phone call where Adam, the brother who skipped out on half of Georgie’s and Ducky’s wedding (and no we won’t be getting an explanation for that), asks GD to babysit his devil spawn next weekend.
Problem Child
Alright, I have to agree with Basic Tart. A suspicious amount of this show occurs in the car, as we see Motley and Joey driving and talking yet again. I think what is actually going on is that they have permanent dash cams installed, and then the camera crew has scheduled days to show up and film (maybe when an AP finds something interesting on the dash cam?). So most of the unprompted talking naturally occurs in the car. Motley says of course she wants kids ASAP, but they need to meet their own goals before that happens, and Joey responds with, “Kids kinda are my goal.” I gotta hand it to Joey. Motley seems like the domineering one in that relationship, but in his own quiet way, he does not let her walk all over him. Motley’s stuck-up judgemental mom interviews that they want more for Joey right now, and she goes on to clarify that she means a better job and a house. Motley’s character is becoming more understandable every time her mom is on screen. Joey shows some insight and asks if he’s too immature to have a child. Motley hesitantly responds, “You still have a little bit of maturity to go, but that’s normal for some...a boy your age, so...”
Georgie boy says that having DevilSpawn over will give him and Ducky a chance to see what they would be like as parents. Wrong. So wrong. Babysitting, even overnight, is not the same as being a parent. It is one aspect to it. But as a parent, you also have to worry about the child day in and day out, and that wears you down, and you have to work a job and worry about your budget and meeting your kid’s needs financially. Also, as a babysitter, you feel compelled to interact with the child 24/7 rather than have the child exist as part of your household while you attempt to do chores and pay bills, etc. Babysitting is just not the same at all, even when it is exhausting. Adam seems like he is looking forward to a night of drinking and pretending to not be a parent. Adam says GD are not ready be to parents right now “whatsoever.” Adam, I really hope you get a spinoff show with Brenda’s mom, and we call it “Keepin’ It Real”. GD let DevilSpawn play outside on a playground in the freezing cold at night to wear him out, either from swinging or from expending energy to maintain his body temperature--does it really matter which? Ducky says it’s time to fly south for the winter (or go inside), and DevilSpawn says no. GD’s preferred parenting strategy seems to be “Spineless”. They get him inside and make him say a prayer (which I hope they cleared with his father first, and I don’t mean his Heavenly Father) and then give him one slice of cold pizza while they eat nothing and stare at him and it is all very awkward.
Joey is having a drink with his friend, Ace (not his real name, but I didn’t catch it), and discussing Ace’s wife’s due date. Ace maths that he only knows the due date, but he can’t math the months left from that. Joey then maths back that Motley has 3 or 4 years left of school, he’s not sure which. Ace advises him not to wait on kids then. Ace conveniently brings up what will happen should Joey’s sperm be braindead (likely) or Motley’s uterus be a hostile environment (also likely). Joey says he would “so adopt.” Motley is driving and talking (what else?) with Marrissa, and I hate that spelling so I shall call her Spellcheck. Motley says she’s not prepared to raise another human being, but I’m wondering if she will ever be ready? She sucks. In a super weird coincidence, Spellcheck asks what will happen if Motley’s womb sucks as much as she does. How prescient that two friends are asking the same questions of our intrepid heroes. Motley says that she would not be a good mom....for an adopted child (but I don’t think she needed to add that part). She’s had friends who were adopted who had shit lives, and she couldn’t handle the emotions of an adopted child.
YALL. OMG. Brenda asks Pubes how skool was and he says, “It’s okay...I didn’t understand my electronics lecture.” So many things here. 1) I bet he says that about a lot of classes. 2) I was a science major, so immediately, an “electronics” class sounded false to me. Does he mean “electrical engineering?” I have searched the UC Irvine course catalog, and there is no “Electronics” course or anything similar. So Pubes is an idiot. I have never in my life heard electrical engineering or digital programming or any such thing referred to as electronics. Why? Because scientists and engineers like to sound smarter than they actually are (case in point: this entire paragraph I’m writing) and so will smarten up class names rather than dumb them down to an aisle name that you see at Walmart. Brenda then fucking baby talks that she is late with her period. I hate baby talk. I had a roommate in college that would only talk in baby talk to her boyfriend, and he lived with us, and it made me want to claw off my own skin and jam it in my ears so I didn’t have to hear her. For clarification, her period is 2-3 days late. Now, I have taken many a pregnancy test in my day for the same time frame, but I also always knew I was being ridiculous. Pubes asks her if she could be pregnant. She says she doesn’t know, and he says, “Well that’s not a very good answer.” What is she supposed to say? You’re majoring in electronics--can you create an ultrasound machine out of crap in your apartment to check her uterus for signs of life? Brenda then suggests she should take a pregnancy test, and Pubes goes to get her one, because as a woman, she is not allowed to buy them? I don’t get why he skateboards to the pharmacy for her.
Georgie boy freaks out when DevilSpawn farts in the tub. Dude, you know young kids poop in the tub, right? You got off easy. GD are letting DevilSpawn sleep in their room, so they definitely won’t be getting pregnant tonight. They take DevilSpawn to church, and then give him back to Adam and then presumably go to sleep. Welcome to the dead marriage that kids induce. George says to Duckie he barely even knows her (we know!) and wants time with her without kids, even if that’s selfish. Translation: Georgie wants to have sex for a while before kids sap all the energy for that.
Pubes comes back with the best pregnancy test money will buy, and he prays with Brenda before she takes it. I mean, if you think prayer will work as a method of BC, shouldn’t you pray before the sex occurs?
And now, for the most awkward scene this evening. Motley says they should wait for kids until she is done with college and Joey responds, “Why is it that I’m the one who has to wait?” Joey’s life goals are marriage and kids. Motley’s are getting a degree. Maybe they should have talked about this before getting married? Joey says he would want to adopt if they can’t have kids because Motley’s womb is too acidic. Motley freaks the fuck out, and it is weird. She gets really uncomfortable, calls Joey ridiculous, and shuts the conversation down. She almost starts bawling. I cannot overstate how weird this is. She is not adopted that I can tell (her mom looks like her). Motley would rather not have kids than adopt and will not continue the conversation. I’m wondering if her extreme uncomfortableness with adoption comes back to the same idea of her mom’s “not letting someone else raise your child.” Food for thought.
Finally, we end with the fake storyline of Brenda’s non-pregnant uterus. She STILL hasn’t peed on the stick. They talk about options. Pubes says no abortion, and Brenda shuts that down. She tells him that this conversation is easy for him because “You’re not the one who has to give so much. You’re not the one who has to sacrifice your dreams.” and it is so fucking perfect and you can just see it going over his head. Brenda, he is so beneath you!! Why did you marry him?!? To him, you are a uterus who has the maternal, nurturing genes to raise a child. If you were more, he would listen to you when you say you are not ready to be an organ donor! (Sorry if that is harsh. But I heard pregnancy compared to being an organ donor once, with everything you are required to sacrifice for 9 months, and I thought it was a perfect analogy.) He asks if there is no possible way for her to achieve her goals of going to grad school while having a baby and she says no. Rather than him saying he will do 90% of the work to make it happen. Again, that idea seems to go over his head like his electronics lecture. Fucking Pubes’ parents interview that these doofuses are in no way ready to have a child, but they do not support an abortion. In fact, RepubDad says, “We would support them having a live birth.” I know this is a long recap, and I apologize, but this whole convo is so fucking infuriating. Brenda says she would want an abortion and FuckFace says, “I wouldn’t want that. What if that makes me feel bad?” And I just want to drink an entire cup of his male tears because like his opinion fucking matters. Oh, this is the face of him feeling bad, BTW.
Pubes tells her whatever she decides will affect their relationship, and I think it already has, and she should divorce him on the spot, and it ends with her going into the bathroom.
On this episode: Imma do you a service and provide a little abstract for this week’s non-episode. This is the most contrived thing I’ve seen on reality tv in quite some time. Brenda and Travis (Pubes) fake a pregnancy scare, Joey and Emma (Motley) consider the totally made up possibility that her womb is barren, and George’s brother gets paid by a producer to drop his kid off with George and Haiyliey (Duckface) so they can get some babysitting experience. The whole thing is the only show faker than Ancient Aliens.
We find our intrepid heroes, Motley and Joey, bitching about the fact that they don’t know anything. I have a feeling they have this conversation a lot. Motley and Joey both have different reading comprehension skills (Joey’s at a 2nd grade level, and Motley claims to read chapter books, but those chapter books are actually just Sweet Valley Kids). They don’t agree on what was in the mortgage broker contract they just signed. Motley talks out of her ass a lot, using the principle that if she just says something with enough confidence, people will believe her. People is Joey, and he brilliantly responds that he hasn’t studied real estate so can’t argue with her. Point Joey. They finally decide to use their phone a friend lifeline to call Joey’s dad. Joey’s dad tells Motley to STFU and listen to the broker. Motley is not pleased with being wrong.
Not Pleased.
Brenda has a cat named Cappuccino, and I’m not sure she knows it’s not a real kid. Brenda foreshadows her “story-line” for this week by saying how great life is without kids, and they don’t want kids for 10 years. Then she bathes Cappuccino and swaddles her into a cat burrito (same thing they serve at Taco Bell) and somehow manages not to get her face clawed off. Pubes says Brenda would be a good mom...because she wraps an annoyed cat in a blanket? Okay. THEN, oh THEN, the Republican in-laws talk about how Brenda will make the most amazing mom (because she’s Mexican and has such a good work ethic and being a SAHM will keep her from stealing real Americans’ jobs). Following that, Brenda’s mom gets real and says being a mom is no joke and most of the responsibility will fall to Brenda because she’s a woman (and her husband is a Republican douche) and it will ruin her life. I really like Brenda’s family.
Duckface does an interview while taking a poop--multitask girl!
Ducky talks about how hard it is to live away from her family, and I’m kinda wondering why she has never brought this up before. George says he’s been reflecting on the reason he got married so early, and that reason is “Um, I want a family, I want a strong family” which translates to “I want to stick it in my wife at least 8 times.” George and Ducky discuss how if they had a kid right then, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...no Georgie boy, the worst thing in the world comes a couple years later, when your
Joey and Motley are shopping for “baby..sup-supplies” for their 21 year old friends who want 12 kids. Motley’s parents interview to never have kids without figuring out your damn budget yet, because otherwise you will be getting a part time job just to pay for someone else to raise your kids. Minus points for that judgemental attitude, Motley’s mom. I’m not super impressed with your mom skillz, so don’t go hating on daycare. Also, remember for later in the ep that Motley’s mom is a judgemental bitch. Joey maths that kids cost $2 million dollars from birth to 18. Next, Motley picks out a fox hand puppet, and Joey says it’s perfect. Motley asks how much you would use that as a parent and Joey says all the time. “I’d probably just sit there in front of the tv and play with it.” Let’s hope he sends his kid to daycare. Kids are our future, y’all.
And now, Brenda is getting BC advice from Dr. Google. She learns that missing pills can cause you to become pregnant. Also, for some reason, she conveniently has her little OrthoTriCyclen pack right next to her in the shot, which I don’t get, unless this is some product placement, for a product that could have failed.
She skypes her sister, and her sister says to take a pregnancy test, and here we go with this fakeness because now she has to talk about the possibility of it being positive without ever taking the damn test. And that is the most annoying part of this ep. Take the damn test, then talk. Actually, talk about this shit before you get married and become sexually active. Pubes is a douche who said he would leave her if she got an abortion. Kids, that’s called a red flag. Do not get married if you do not agree BEFOREHAND what will happen if you get pregnant. Oh, wait, she clarifies to say that he said he would force her to have the child and then take the unwanted child and leave her. Perfect.
We then have a conveniently timed on camera phone call where Adam, the brother who skipped out on half of Georgie’s and Ducky’s wedding (and no we won’t be getting an explanation for that), asks GD to babysit his devil spawn next weekend.
Problem ChildAlright, I have to agree with Basic Tart. A suspicious amount of this show occurs in the car, as we see Motley and Joey driving and talking yet again. I think what is actually going on is that they have permanent dash cams installed, and then the camera crew has scheduled days to show up and film (maybe when an AP finds something interesting on the dash cam?). So most of the unprompted talking naturally occurs in the car. Motley says of course she wants kids ASAP, but they need to meet their own goals before that happens, and Joey responds with, “Kids kinda are my goal.” I gotta hand it to Joey. Motley seems like the domineering one in that relationship, but in his own quiet way, he does not let her walk all over him. Motley’s stuck-up judgemental mom interviews that they want more for Joey right now, and she goes on to clarify that she means a better job and a house. Motley’s character is becoming more understandable every time her mom is on screen. Joey shows some insight and asks if he’s too immature to have a child. Motley hesitantly responds, “You still have a little bit of maturity to go, but that’s normal for some...a boy your age, so...”
Georgie boy says that having DevilSpawn over will give him and Ducky a chance to see what they would be like as parents. Wrong. So wrong. Babysitting, even overnight, is not the same as being a parent. It is one aspect to it. But as a parent, you also have to worry about the child day in and day out, and that wears you down, and you have to work a job and worry about your budget and meeting your kid’s needs financially. Also, as a babysitter, you feel compelled to interact with the child 24/7 rather than have the child exist as part of your household while you attempt to do chores and pay bills, etc. Babysitting is just not the same at all, even when it is exhausting. Adam seems like he is looking forward to a night of drinking and pretending to not be a parent. Adam says GD are not ready be to parents right now “whatsoever.” Adam, I really hope you get a spinoff show with Brenda’s mom, and we call it “Keepin’ It Real”. GD let DevilSpawn play outside on a playground in the freezing cold at night to wear him out, either from swinging or from expending energy to maintain his body temperature--does it really matter which? Ducky says it’s time to fly south for the winter (or go inside), and DevilSpawn says no. GD’s preferred parenting strategy seems to be “Spineless”. They get him inside and make him say a prayer (which I hope they cleared with his father first, and I don’t mean his Heavenly Father) and then give him one slice of cold pizza while they eat nothing and stare at him and it is all very awkward.
Joey is having a drink with his friend, Ace (not his real name, but I didn’t catch it), and discussing Ace’s wife’s due date. Ace maths that he only knows the due date, but he can’t math the months left from that. Joey then maths back that Motley has 3 or 4 years left of school, he’s not sure which. Ace advises him not to wait on kids then. Ace conveniently brings up what will happen should Joey’s sperm be braindead (likely) or Motley’s uterus be a hostile environment (also likely). Joey says he would “so adopt.” Motley is driving and talking (what else?) with Marrissa, and I hate that spelling so I shall call her Spellcheck. Motley says she’s not prepared to raise another human being, but I’m wondering if she will ever be ready? She sucks. In a super weird coincidence, Spellcheck asks what will happen if Motley’s womb sucks as much as she does. How prescient that two friends are asking the same questions of our intrepid heroes. Motley says that she would not be a good mom....for an adopted child (but I don’t think she needed to add that part). She’s had friends who were adopted who had shit lives, and she couldn’t handle the emotions of an adopted child.
YALL. OMG. Brenda asks Pubes how skool was and he says, “It’s okay...I didn’t understand my electronics lecture.” So many things here. 1) I bet he says that about a lot of classes. 2) I was a science major, so immediately, an “electronics” class sounded false to me. Does he mean “electrical engineering?” I have searched the UC Irvine course catalog, and there is no “Electronics” course or anything similar. So Pubes is an idiot. I have never in my life heard electrical engineering or digital programming or any such thing referred to as electronics. Why? Because scientists and engineers like to sound smarter than they actually are (case in point: this entire paragraph I’m writing) and so will smarten up class names rather than dumb them down to an aisle name that you see at Walmart. Brenda then fucking baby talks that she is late with her period. I hate baby talk. I had a roommate in college that would only talk in baby talk to her boyfriend, and he lived with us, and it made me want to claw off my own skin and jam it in my ears so I didn’t have to hear her. For clarification, her period is 2-3 days late. Now, I have taken many a pregnancy test in my day for the same time frame, but I also always knew I was being ridiculous. Pubes asks her if she could be pregnant. She says she doesn’t know, and he says, “Well that’s not a very good answer.” What is she supposed to say? You’re majoring in electronics--can you create an ultrasound machine out of crap in your apartment to check her uterus for signs of life? Brenda then suggests she should take a pregnancy test, and Pubes goes to get her one, because as a woman, she is not allowed to buy them? I don’t get why he skateboards to the pharmacy for her.
Georgie boy freaks out when DevilSpawn farts in the tub. Dude, you know young kids poop in the tub, right? You got off easy. GD are letting DevilSpawn sleep in their room, so they definitely won’t be getting pregnant tonight. They take DevilSpawn to church, and then give him back to Adam and then presumably go to sleep. Welcome to the dead marriage that kids induce. George says to Duckie he barely even knows her (we know!) and wants time with her without kids, even if that’s selfish. Translation: Georgie wants to have sex for a while before kids sap all the energy for that.
Pubes comes back with the best pregnancy test money will buy, and he prays with Brenda before she takes it. I mean, if you think prayer will work as a method of BC, shouldn’t you pray before the sex occurs?
And now, for the most awkward scene this evening. Motley says they should wait for kids until she is done with college and Joey responds, “Why is it that I’m the one who has to wait?” Joey’s life goals are marriage and kids. Motley’s are getting a degree. Maybe they should have talked about this before getting married? Joey says he would want to adopt if they can’t have kids because Motley’s womb is too acidic. Motley freaks the fuck out, and it is weird. She gets really uncomfortable, calls Joey ridiculous, and shuts the conversation down. She almost starts bawling. I cannot overstate how weird this is. She is not adopted that I can tell (her mom looks like her). Motley would rather not have kids than adopt and will not continue the conversation. I’m wondering if her extreme uncomfortableness with adoption comes back to the same idea of her mom’s “not letting someone else raise your child.” Food for thought.
Finally, we end with the fake storyline of Brenda’s non-pregnant uterus. She STILL hasn’t peed on the stick. They talk about options. Pubes says no abortion, and Brenda shuts that down. She tells him that this conversation is easy for him because “You’re not the one who has to give so much. You’re not the one who has to sacrifice your dreams.” and it is so fucking perfect and you can just see it going over his head. Brenda, he is so beneath you!! Why did you marry him?!? To him, you are a uterus who has the maternal, nurturing genes to raise a child. If you were more, he would listen to you when you say you are not ready to be an organ donor! (Sorry if that is harsh. But I heard pregnancy compared to being an organ donor once, with everything you are required to sacrifice for 9 months, and I thought it was a perfect analogy.) He asks if there is no possible way for her to achieve her goals of going to grad school while having a baby and she says no. Rather than him saying he will do 90% of the work to make it happen. Again, that idea seems to go over his head like his electronics lecture. Fucking Pubes’ parents interview that these doofuses are in no way ready to have a child, but they do not support an abortion. In fact, RepubDad says, “We would support them having a live birth.” I know this is a long recap, and I apologize, but this whole convo is so fucking infuriating. Brenda says she would want an abortion and FuckFace says, “I wouldn’t want that. What if that makes me feel bad?” And I just want to drink an entire cup of his male tears because like his opinion fucking matters. Oh, this is the face of him feeling bad, BTW.
Cry male tears, you bitch!
Pubes tells her whatever she decides will affect their relationship, and I think it already has, and she should divorce him on the spot, and it ends with her going into the bathroom.
About the Author:
I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.
