By Jurassic Tart
Posted on Thursday, July 14, 2016
Previously: Mistakes were made.
We open with an unamused cashier when Pubes and Brenda don’t have enough money for
groceries because Pubes bought really expensive shoes because he’s a skaterboi, and Brenda should say see ya later boi. They put some chips back. Brenda interviews, in case you didn’t know, that Pubes bought himself expensive shoes on her birthday weekend. Is Pubes not picking up on how much this bothers her? Can she make it any more obvious? He should have returned the damn shoes by now. Pubes interviews that he had a job in high school, and he spent that money however he wanted because his parents paid for all his needs. How is that at all relevant? 1) You don’t live with your parents now, so they are not paying for things. 2) And this is a big one, you don’t have a job now. I don’t understand how he thinks he can apply his high school spending habits to his life now, but then I don’t understand a lot about Pubeface, including why he chooses to try growing a beard. RepubParents were hoping that getting married would make up for their poor life lessons on how to budget, and that Brenda would just manage their money and be frugal (because she’s a woman and therefore more responsible? Or because she grew up poor? What’s the logic?). But then Brenda does herself no favors and tells Pubes that even in her poor household they never had to put back items at the grocery store. Again, two things here: 1) This was food for a party, not their weekly groceries, and they put back chips. 2) Your mom likely made a grocery list and was tallying up items as she put them in her cart. That’s how you shop on a budget. You do not just walk up and down every aisle, put any damn thing in the cart, and then get surprised at the total. The best scene of the night occurs early this week, as Brenda’s mom makes fun of Pubes’ upbringing. She says as a child Pubes would have been all “Mommy I want these shoes. Oh, they’re a $100? That’s okay, no problem!”
Ah crap, looks like Halie and George are in this episode. Ducky says their Hawaii trip will help her “catch up with” her new husband that she lives with and sees all the time.
And now Motley and Joey act like they are the Doctor and Rose and fate has dealt them an unfortunate hand because their work shifts just don’t line up. And then, Spellcheck calls Motley multiple times in a fake set-up scene, and I really really wish I could screencapture Joey’s acting for you, because it is first rate...Joey, Google tells me the closest community theater is called The Pentacle Theater, and they are putting on Of Mice and Men this summer, and you would absolutely slay as Lenny. Everyone acts like life has suddenly changed and Motley doesn’t have time for friends anymore...but she was working her pizza job and going to school and living with Joey before she got married, so the only thing that has changed is now she has an assistant producer telling her she doesn’t have enough time for friends and to talk about that more. Motley lies that she wants to make everyone happy (except for Joey, probably).
George and Ducky are on their much needed and wholly deserved vacation in Hawaii to get rid of all the stress of being young and white and thin and middle class in America. OKAY then Ducky says that she likes regular Oreos better than double stuff, and she can fuck right off my tv screen with that nonsense. Regular Oreos' only purpose in life is to serve as the base for cheesecake cupcakes.
Before she was Motley, Emma was just Emma. Emma is hanging out with Spellcheck, and finally we are witness to stage one of Emma’s transformation to Motley.
Spellcheck feels left behind, Nick Cage-style. Pre-Motley says “pariah-tizing” things are difficult right now. Spellcheck retorts that if Motley were single, Spellcheck would just phone her up and they would go out. What? Is Joey locking her in the basement at night? Motley then nonsenses that finding time for friends is hard because she doesn’t have “so many friends, but [she] has a lot of very close friends.” So I see she is not majoring in math or english. All of her friends want to hang out at the same time, and methinks that’s called a party. Have one.
Brenda is still harping on about the shoes on the birthday.
Ducky is still harping on about missing her family. Ducky tells this chick at work who is trying to be her friend that all of her friends are George’s friends. Um, ask this chick out for caffeine free coffee or whatever your kind does. Also, it’s time for another fun fact from a former Mormon. At church, there is a group specifically for women called Relief Society that meets every Sunday and also has Wednesday night activities occasionally, and you go to people’s homes to visit other women in the church, and they come to visit you (the Mormon church keeps tabs on it’s members). So, there is literally no excuse for Ducky to not be making new friends, either at her job or at church, that have nothing to do with George. She is just choosing not to, and I have no patience for that. Oh okay, but her next statement clears everything right up. She tells her coworker that her sisters were her best friends and who she hung out with. It’s seems little Ducky here has never had to make friends. This is one of the problems with a large, insular family.
George takes Ducky to his friend’s cabin for a ski trip. Ducky is seen hanging out with lots of other females, but then complains that George’s friends are all older so they’re intimidating. Maybe. But maybe none of them invite her out because she seems so mopey and can’t stop talking about her family for one second. Ducky sleeps while everyone else is hanging out. I mean, I totally get being the wife and hanging out with a well established group of spouse’s friends. It takes time to integrate. But part of that process is being part of that process. If you establish yourself as an outsider, you will never be an insider. Gawd, I should write a one-a-day self help calendar.
Motley complains about being an adult and having to work more, and her parents interview that she needs to get over it because it only gets worse. Motley and Joey then have the realization that I suggested a few paragraphs ago and decide to have guys and girls nights so that they can see everyone in one go.
Brenda, Pubes, and Cappuccino the cat host a birthday party for Pubes’ skate shoes. Brenda and Pubes didn’t have enough money for pizza and cake (guess why), so they opted for pizza. Pubes pulls out leftover ice cream cake that is so sad it looks like it is made of Brenda’s tears.
Everyone looks as disgusted as if the cake was actually covered with pubes. Brenda interviews again that Pubes bought skate shoes. Yeezus, I really should have been counting this, but I am not starting the ep over at this point. Let’s just put the counter at one mention for each pubic hair on his stupid face.
Ducky is in bed, and it is the middle of the afternoon, and since I write a wildly successful self help calender, I will diagnose her as depressed. She could use one of my calendars or some counseling, or both. But neither Ducky or George have the wherewithal to realize this. We have a shot of Ducky in bed alone in the house cuddling a teddy bear. Which is fine until you realize that this is being shot by a camera crew presumably of middle aged men. So, in this house, there is a teenage girl alone cuddling a teddy bear being filmed by 2 or 3 men. If she weren’t 18 we would call this a felony.
Ducky calls her mom. She complains, and her dad has some truth to lay on her. He reminds her that George spent two years away from his family, and Ducky is all “I knnnooooowwww” and he then tells her that happiness is a choice, and she can choose to be happy in any situation (someone’s been reading my calendar!). Bam. Her mom asks her if she has any regrets moving up there, and she doesn’t answer.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Pubes attempts to slice that awful ice cream cake up and serve it to people. I thought these were your friends! Oh god, Pubes says he has a gift for Brenda and says he needs a chair and “this is going to be awkward and scary” and please god don’t let it be a strip tease. It would be awesome though if it turns out the skate shoes are for Brenda! Oh no, it’s just going to be a shitty song. That song we heard teaser lines from in previous eps. I will transcribe for you. As for the tune, imagine what kind of tune someone like Pubes would come up with. It’s worse.
I’ve been waiting my whole life to say I love you to someone like you.
I’ve been waiting my whole life to say I love you to someone like you.
And challenges will come our way
but baby you know I’m here to stay
because I’m so in love with you
and I’ve been waiting far too long
to be together in our home
just us and our little Cappuccino
and our little Cappuccino
and our baby Cappuccino
I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that one of Shakespeare’s sonnets? Did he just plagiarize?” but I assure you he did not. He is quite the lyricist, but I cannot overstate how much this kid cannot sing. I think Cappuccino jumped out a window during this crap. He states that he worked on this for months (really??), and he sang this to Brenda when he proposed and egads she said yes?? So, Pubes is thus far terrible at:
Previously: Mistakes were made.
My face, anytime Pubes is on screen.
We open with an unamused cashier when Pubes and Brenda don’t have enough money for
groceries because Pubes bought really expensive shoes because he’s a skaterboi, and Brenda should say see ya later boi. They put some chips back. Brenda interviews, in case you didn’t know, that Pubes bought himself expensive shoes on her birthday weekend. Is Pubes not picking up on how much this bothers her? Can she make it any more obvious? He should have returned the damn shoes by now. Pubes interviews that he had a job in high school, and he spent that money however he wanted because his parents paid for all his needs. How is that at all relevant? 1) You don’t live with your parents now, so they are not paying for things. 2) And this is a big one, you don’t have a job now. I don’t understand how he thinks he can apply his high school spending habits to his life now, but then I don’t understand a lot about Pubeface, including why he chooses to try growing a beard. RepubParents were hoping that getting married would make up for their poor life lessons on how to budget, and that Brenda would just manage their money and be frugal (because she’s a woman and therefore more responsible? Or because she grew up poor? What’s the logic?). But then Brenda does herself no favors and tells Pubes that even in her poor household they never had to put back items at the grocery store. Again, two things here: 1) This was food for a party, not their weekly groceries, and they put back chips. 2) Your mom likely made a grocery list and was tallying up items as she put them in her cart. That’s how you shop on a budget. You do not just walk up and down every aisle, put any damn thing in the cart, and then get surprised at the total. The best scene of the night occurs early this week, as Brenda’s mom makes fun of Pubes’ upbringing. She says as a child Pubes would have been all “Mommy I want these shoes. Oh, they’re a $100? That’s okay, no problem!”
Ah crap, looks like Halie and George are in this episode. Ducky says their Hawaii trip will help her “catch up with” her new husband that she lives with and sees all the time.
And now Motley and Joey act like they are the Doctor and Rose and fate has dealt them an unfortunate hand because their work shifts just don’t line up. And then, Spellcheck calls Motley multiple times in a fake set-up scene, and I really really wish I could screencapture Joey’s acting for you, because it is first rate...Joey, Google tells me the closest community theater is called The Pentacle Theater, and they are putting on Of Mice and Men this summer, and you would absolutely slay as Lenny. Everyone acts like life has suddenly changed and Motley doesn’t have time for friends anymore...but she was working her pizza job and going to school and living with Joey before she got married, so the only thing that has changed is now she has an assistant producer telling her she doesn’t have enough time for friends and to talk about that more. Motley lies that she wants to make everyone happy (except for Joey, probably).
George and Ducky are on their much needed and wholly deserved vacation in Hawaii to get rid of all the stress of being young and white and thin and middle class in America. OKAY then Ducky says that she likes regular Oreos better than double stuff, and she can fuck right off my tv screen with that nonsense. Regular Oreos' only purpose in life is to serve as the base for cheesecake cupcakes.
Before she was Motley, Emma was just Emma. Emma is hanging out with Spellcheck, and finally we are witness to stage one of Emma’s transformation to Motley.
Stage One: It begins
Spellcheck feels left behind, Nick Cage-style. Pre-Motley says “pariah-tizing” things are difficult right now. Spellcheck retorts that if Motley were single, Spellcheck would just phone her up and they would go out. What? Is Joey locking her in the basement at night? Motley then nonsenses that finding time for friends is hard because she doesn’t have “so many friends, but [she] has a lot of very close friends.” So I see she is not majoring in math or english. All of her friends want to hang out at the same time, and methinks that’s called a party. Have one.
Brenda is still harping on about the shoes on the birthday.
Ducky is still harping on about missing her family. Ducky tells this chick at work who is trying to be her friend that all of her friends are George’s friends. Um, ask this chick out for caffeine free coffee or whatever your kind does. Also, it’s time for another fun fact from a former Mormon. At church, there is a group specifically for women called Relief Society that meets every Sunday and also has Wednesday night activities occasionally, and you go to people’s homes to visit other women in the church, and they come to visit you (the Mormon church keeps tabs on it’s members). So, there is literally no excuse for Ducky to not be making new friends, either at her job or at church, that have nothing to do with George. She is just choosing not to, and I have no patience for that. Oh okay, but her next statement clears everything right up. She tells her coworker that her sisters were her best friends and who she hung out with. It’s seems little Ducky here has never had to make friends. This is one of the problems with a large, insular family.
George takes Ducky to his friend’s cabin for a ski trip. Ducky is seen hanging out with lots of other females, but then complains that George’s friends are all older so they’re intimidating. Maybe. But maybe none of them invite her out because she seems so mopey and can’t stop talking about her family for one second. Ducky sleeps while everyone else is hanging out. I mean, I totally get being the wife and hanging out with a well established group of spouse’s friends. It takes time to integrate. But part of that process is being part of that process. If you establish yourself as an outsider, you will never be an insider. Gawd, I should write a one-a-day self help calendar.
Motley complains about being an adult and having to work more, and her parents interview that she needs to get over it because it only gets worse. Motley and Joey then have the realization that I suggested a few paragraphs ago and decide to have guys and girls nights so that they can see everyone in one go.
Brenda, Pubes, and Cappuccino the cat host a birthday party for Pubes’ skate shoes. Brenda and Pubes didn’t have enough money for pizza and cake (guess why), so they opted for pizza. Pubes pulls out leftover ice cream cake that is so sad it looks like it is made of Brenda’s tears.
Brenda’s tears
Everyone looks as disgusted as if the cake was actually covered with pubes. Brenda interviews again that Pubes bought skate shoes. Yeezus, I really should have been counting this, but I am not starting the ep over at this point. Let’s just put the counter at one mention for each pubic hair on his stupid face.
Ducky is in bed, and it is the middle of the afternoon, and since I write a wildly successful self help calender, I will diagnose her as depressed. She could use one of my calendars or some counseling, or both. But neither Ducky or George have the wherewithal to realize this. We have a shot of Ducky in bed alone in the house cuddling a teddy bear. Which is fine until you realize that this is being shot by a camera crew presumably of middle aged men. So, in this house, there is a teenage girl alone cuddling a teddy bear being filmed by 2 or 3 men. If she weren’t 18 we would call this a felony.
Ducky calls her mom. She complains, and her dad has some truth to lay on her. He reminds her that George spent two years away from his family, and Ducky is all “I knnnooooowwww” and he then tells her that happiness is a choice, and she can choose to be happy in any situation (someone’s been reading my calendar!). Bam. Her mom asks her if she has any regrets moving up there, and she doesn’t answer.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, Pubes attempts to slice that awful ice cream cake up and serve it to people. I thought these were your friends! Oh god, Pubes says he has a gift for Brenda and says he needs a chair and “this is going to be awkward and scary” and please god don’t let it be a strip tease. It would be awesome though if it turns out the skate shoes are for Brenda! Oh no, it’s just going to be a shitty song. That song we heard teaser lines from in previous eps. I will transcribe for you. As for the tune, imagine what kind of tune someone like Pubes would come up with. It’s worse.
I’ve been waiting my whole life to say I love you to someone like you.
I’ve been waiting my whole life to say I love you to someone like you.
And challenges will come our way
but baby you know I’m here to stay
because I’m so in love with you
and I’ve been waiting far too long
to be together in our home
just us and our little Cappuccino
and our little Cappuccino
and our baby Cappuccino
I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that one of Shakespeare’s sonnets? Did he just plagiarize?” but I assure you he did not. He is quite the lyricist, but I cannot overstate how much this kid cannot sing. I think Cappuccino jumped out a window during this crap. He states that he worked on this for months (really??), and he sang this to Brenda when he proposed and egads she said yes?? So, Pubes is thus far terrible at:
1) budgeting
2) writing lyrics
3) singing
4) sex
5) electronics
Is he also a terrible skater?
Motley is hanging out with the girls. Remember when she said she had lots of close friends? Well, lots seems to be 2. Joey is going to a bar with 4 other dudes, so he wins the friendship contest. Joey talks about how little he sees his wife, and one of his friends says he is still in the honeymoon stage. Joey lays some truth on this yokel and says they’ve been together for four years--the love is long since dead. Motley is having her nails done, and the nail lady tells her that if she is going to fight with her husband, fight naked. Now I am picturing J+M naked. Gross. And then her two friends laugh, and she laughs, and the nail lady laughs, and they all laugh, and I feel like I’m at a yogurt party.
Yogurt is fun! Let’s bond!
The show is interrupted for a Sarah McLachlan commercial about a sad homeless puppy. Oh no, sorry, it’s just the loneliest Ducky walking alone on a lonely deserted road while lonely clinky piano music plays. She swings on a swingset alone. She calls her mom. No one answers.
For just $1 a month, you can adopt this homeless puppy.
Back at the yogurt party, Motley says she fights all the time with Joey about little stuff because she is a nag. Motley gives him a daily chore list like my mom used to do for me during the summers when I was in middle school. Joey’s friends tell him he’s whipped. He says no, he’s in love. He explains the difference thusly: being whipped is when you do everything your spouse says just to get laid while being in love is doing everything your spouse says, but with no promise of sex. His friend quips he should put that on a Hallmark Card. Turns out Joey’s wifi password is “JoeyIsWhipped”. I cannot make this stuff up. Joey, stop making my job so easy! One friend interviews that his balls have disappeared and are probably in Motley’s purse at home. I concur.
Pubes is letting his dumb show again, surprise. B+P admit to their friends that they don’t like saying husband and wife in front of people their age because it makes them feel weird and different. To counter his own point, Pubes interviews that he likes being 20 and married because it makes them unique and cool. So...which is it? Weird or cool? Brenda and Pubes avoid talking about their differences (oh, like abortion? and skate shoes?), and Brenda says their differences could cause problems down the road. You think? Where is your mother for some interview straight talk? A friend just happens to bring up politics after an AP slipped him $20. Pubes delusionally claims they don’t talk about politics because he is not as passionate about it so he just chills and hold on a sec I have to pick my eyes up off the floor where they fell out after rolling them so hard. This is the same douche that said he wants his kids to be Republican because he’s so passionate and who advocated strongly against an abortion (though to be fair, that was because it might make him feel bad, not for political reasons). Brenda calls BS on that BS.
Ducky cries yet again because she is depressed but doesn’t know to call it that. George is a wee bit frustrated, and so am I.
Next episode looks like lots of fighting, and I CAN. NOT. WAIT.
About the Author:
I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.
I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.
