The Childfree Staycation

By The Dowager Tartess
Posted on Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

This week, my husband and I pretend we’re childfree, at least during daytime hours. This summer we’ve taken two weeks off together, and we’re now in the second week.

The first week? Well, that was spent in full family mode, with a road trip to our shared hometown, overnight visits with the in-laws, lots of driving, swimming, getting our 3-year-old son to sleep in new locations, and numerous frustrating amounts of correcting said 3-year-old’s antagonizing behaviour as he ran us ragged, overstimulated and testing every boundary again and again and again.

I hear it’s unfashionable presently to give time outs, but fuck off with that, I use the time outs-- drag them from my cold dead hands. It was either that or shake him while I hollered “Why won’t you listen?!” So he got the time outs at three separate locations while we tried to instil in him the importance of still needing to act right in exotic locations like Grandpa’s house.

And despite my griping, it was a good trip. Our son had fun, we visited family he rarely sees, introduced him to swimming in a lake, and made memories. And even though it’s hard on us travelling out of town for a week, we still look forward to the time together as a family. We do it every year. 

But the week after, this week, this belongs to us, just husband and wife. And it’s sorely needed to recover from the intensive family time.

This week, we have been sending our son to daycare, lying through our teeth that we have to “go to the office.” Then we spend our day doing whatever we want.

My husband has been taking long walks after dropping our son off, playing Pokemon Go and taking pictures. I’ve been sleeping in. Then we go out for brunch, playing Pokemon along the way (Yes, Pokemon has been featuring heavily in this week off and it’s been awesome).

We’ve gone shopping and walking, we’ve talked and we’ve been quiet together. We saw Ghostbusters and we’re going to see Star Trek on Friday. We so rarely ever get out to the movies. Babysitters are expensive. We’re probably blowing a little more money than we ought to on eating out this week, but that’s also something else we rarely do. Oh, we take our son out to eat, but those outings are not fully relaxing, as we have to keep his behaviour in line and sometimes remove him from the restaurant if he misbehaves.

Around 3:00, time almost seems to speed up and I have to consider where we are and what we’re doing, because we pick him up at 5:15, like we do when we’re working, and I don’t want to be late because I was too caught up enjoying myself. 

And when I pick up my son, he runs into my arms and gives me the highlighted news of the day, “No accidents!” being the best sort of news because it means potty training is on track, and his eyes are glowing and proud of himself. Sometimes he adds, “I’m happy!” or even cuter, “You’re happy!” And I am happy. 

And we walk home together, and we’ve been stopping into the corner store to buy a popsicle to share because it’s so damn hot and I want to give us a little treat and make him happy, because it’s been a nice day. 

I think he’s onto us, though. We probably haven’t been at all as careful as we needed to be in discussing this week off. He tells us, “I want to stay home tomorrow.” He never asks us that. We tell him no, because we won’t be here. Which is true; we haven’t been staying home. He accepts this, although he doesn’t seem entirely convinced. 

But I am convinced, that this week has been exactly what my husband and I needed, to remind us that we aren’t just parents, that we’re a couple and that we really enjoy each other’s company. Sometimes I forget he’s my best friend because we’re squabbling over household nonsense or we’re tired from work.

Today, while I was lingering over potato waffles with sour cream, bacon and chives, I was trying to be in the moment. This delicious brunch was going to end, the day was going to come to a close and the week would be over before I knew it. But along with my waffles, I was tasting my pre-motherhood life and I was loving it. I was feeling free and unencumbered. 

I suppose I should have felt guilty. I know I’m supposed to. Bloggers make sure to mention mom guilt all the time. And I should write something about missing my child.

But I didn’t feel guilty and I didn’t miss him. I just spent a week giving him a quality childhood summer experience, and even with all the madness it was a great time together. It’s the sort of family tradition you look back on fondly once you’ve recovered from it all. But my husband and I also deserve a week for ourselves, and memories that only include us. I don’t question this.

Two more days left at the time of writing. Two more days of luxuriating in each other’s company and throwing responsibilities to the wind. And then we have two birthday parties to take our son to on the weekend, and then work. And life will resume as normal. 

About the Author:
Canadian underachiever, mom of one, writer, occasional artist, and a silly goose.

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It's Just an Infection: Life Goes On

By The Tart from Down Under

Posted on Wednesday, July 20th, 2016

This post is a follow up to It’s Just an Infection and Leaving.


It seems cliche to write, but life does go on, and I had to go back to mine. Only five days had passed since Mr. Down Under had a heart attack, but it was Monday morning and I had to go back to work. I worked as a child care worker, however, Mr. Down Under was the larger income earner in our relationship. So with him in hospital, money was going to be tricky. Luckily we had been saving for a house deposit, so we were going to be ok financially.

I don’t want to make this post about the medical system, but here in Australia it is fantastic. We have a public system that taxes higher earners at a higher rate to cover medical, and even have a small levy included in our car registration to cover any ambulance usage. With everything Mr. Down Under had been through, and would continued to go through, even though he is not an Australian citizen (he is a permanent resident, and New Zealand citizen) we were not charged for a single dollar of his care. And I will always be so thankful for that. Just continuing to cover our daily life costs was a struggle and reduced our savings to nothing.

Now, 48 hours doesn’t sound like an extraordinary amount of time, but it felt like a long time. I had to push past the fact that someone I loved was sick, and we didn’t know what was coming next. 48 hours were how long we had to wait for doctors to decide that Mr. Down Under’s oxygen saturation levels had stabilized enough to be able to come partially out of sedation.

It finally felt like it was going to be ok, there had been setbacks, but doctors were able to bring Mr. Down Under out of sedation without any immediate issues. He still had a breathing tube inserted and was being assisted with oxygen, but he had improved. The first night I came in and he was awake, there was fear, both his and mine. He held my hand and stared at me the entire time I was there. It was the first time I remember having seen him scared. With a breathing tube inserted we weren’t able to talk, but when the end of visiting hours came, Mr. Down Under made it very clear he didn’t want me to leave. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to stay.

A pattern emerged for me. My life became wake up, go to work, go to the hospital, sleep and begin again. I felt exhausted both physically and emotionally. Working with children made my days especially difficult. I couldn’t let myself feel too much. I had to put on a happy face for the parents and my kids. My assistant at the time was a close friend.  She had been and sat with me at the hospital and knew everything that was happening. It made it easier that someone was there with me that knew the extent of what was going on, understood my low points, and was kind enough to help pick up anything I had missed during my working hours.

Removing the breathing tube was the next step, and in doing so the doctors found that Mr. Down Under’s throat muscles had deteriorated. It was a risk that they were aware of, but the damage was normally minimal. Not Mr. Down Under, he had to stand out and be different. In this case, the damage from the breathing tube had been significant, meaning he was unable to talk, eat or drink, and doctors informed us they were unsure how well the muscles would recover.

The good news was that with being off oxygen Mr. Down Under could finally leave ICU and be moved onto a normal ward. The battle had been won, but the war was just beginning.



About the Author:
A 28 year old Aussie, from the beautiful South-East of Queensland, a lover of chocolate, good white wine and books, I'm an almost married mum to two, aged 1 and 3, who is pro-vax, pro-choice and pro-you do you. My partner and I run a small business from home.

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Two Will Have To Do

By Agent Tarter

Posted on Monday, July 18, 2016


From the moment A. and I first talked about having kids, our ongoing debate became a joke. A. came from a small-ish family and liked the idea of having three kids; I always countered with “Let’s have two and then we’ll see.” He (with backing from the many parents of large families in our area) argued that parents are all good until you have more kids than hands; I responded with the point that since it was MY hands that would be staying at home, more than two WAS outnumbering hands! But I did, in fact, have an open mind; I was looking forward to being a parent, and I knew that, once I got into the swing of things, I might be open to three…or maybe even more.

We had a little trouble having O. – unexplained infertility can be a bitch – but he came along. It was a while later than we had expected, but not too much later, and we didn’t require any significant intervention. And, while I had one very early miscarriage before G. – early enough that I would have thought it was just a truly awful period if it weren’t for an early-response pregnancy test – having child #2 wasn’t too hard.

Equally importantly, I did enjoy being a mom…for the most part. I mean, nobody loves poop and feeling trapped at home, but I liked having babies (although I find they get more fun the older they get!) We had our struggles – money was a bit tight, stresses were a bit high – but initially, it didn’t seem like a third child would be necessarily out of the question.

I did debate whether I would want another biological child, or whether we should explore the idea of foster care with intent to adopt. It’s an issue that’s important to me, and there are so many kids who are looking for permanent homes. So A. and I definitely talked about doing the required home course, which would make us fully aware of the whole process, and considering adopting a child. Our thought was to wait until O. and G. were in school, and then consider adopting a child younger than our biological kids, so we were already familiar with the age and stage.

Then A. started seriously struggling with mental illness, which I’m talking about in my own series on this blog. And much of his stress was triggered by issues relating to the kids. I started to realize that, if I decided to carry or adopt a third child, responsibility for that child would really be entirely with me. In all honesty, I also feared that A. wouldn’t be there to help parent any longer. But even if he was, I began to understand that he would probably never be able to share a full half the burden of parenting and decision making.

And then my next door neighbor had an oops pregnancy. They had always been adamant: they had two, that was what they wanted. J. had his vasectomy appointment booked. Two weeks before, I realized she was late. All things told, they handled it pretty well – after the requisite freakout, of course!

But I had my own freakout, too. Suddenly, I realized that I was terrified of my own possible accidental pregnancy. A. was struggling with mental illness and G. had just been diagnosed on the autism spectrum – how could I possibly handle another child?

And then I really started to think about my “maybe” third child. Going from four to five has plenty of complications in any situation – bigger cars, more food, more clothes and school supplies and activities. But in my life, the emotional complexity was the bigger problem. I had a certain amount of time and energy and compassion to give and it was all spoken for.

I told A. that, whether we fostered and adopted a child in the future or not, I was sure I didn’t want any more biological kids, so we took <ahem> permanent measures. There’s still question about whether we would be permitted to adopt through the foster care system given A.’s diagnosis; most governmental organizations are not so forgiving of mental health issues, sadly. But even if we are, I don’t know that it’s something that I can take on, now or in future.

Most of the time I’m happy with our family of four. We have a boy and a girl, what Canadian Maritimers call “the millionaire’s family” because you have one of everything. Both of them are fun, delightful kids. And while they were cute as babies, it’s hard to imagine going back to a world of diapers and nighttime feedings.

But I am a bit wistful about feeling like I didn’t really get to make the call. I didn’t decide I was happy with two; I decided I couldn’t handle having three. That changes the tone of the decision by quite a bit…and not in a way that makes me happy.

I love my two kids to pieces, but two will have to do.



About the Author:
Avid reader, budding writer, incessant singer. Married to a partner with OCD and parent of a child with autism. My opinions may be slanted by my experiences living in the socialist paradise of Canada.

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Teenage Newlyweds Episode 6: Love Means Never Saying You’re Whipped

By Jurassic Tart

Posted on Thursday, July 14, 2016

Previously: Mistakes were made.

My face, anytime Pubes is on screen.

We open with an unamused cashier when Pubes and Brenda don’t have enough money for
groceries because Pubes bought really expensive shoes because he’s a skaterboi, and Brenda should say see ya later boi. They put some chips back. Brenda interviews, in case you didn’t know, that Pubes bought himself expensive shoes on her birthday weekend. Is Pubes not picking up on how much this bothers her? Can she make it any more obvious? He should have returned the damn shoes by now. Pubes interviews that he had a job in high school, and he spent that money however he wanted because his parents paid for all his needs. How is that at all relevant? 1) You don’t live with your parents now, so they are not paying for things. 2) And this is a big one, you don’t have a job now. I don’t understand how he thinks he can apply his high school spending habits to his life now, but then I don’t understand a lot about Pubeface, including why he chooses to try growing a beard. RepubParents were hoping that getting married would make up for their poor life lessons on how to budget, and that Brenda would just manage their money and be frugal (because she’s a woman and therefore more responsible? Or because she grew up poor? What’s the logic?). But then Brenda does herself no favors and tells Pubes that even in her poor household they never had to put back items at the grocery store. Again, two things here: 1) This was food for a party, not their weekly groceries, and they put back chips. 2) Your mom likely made a grocery list and was tallying up items as she put them in her cart. That’s how you shop on a budget. You do not just walk up and down every aisle, put any damn thing in the cart, and then get surprised at the total. The best scene of the night occurs early this week, as Brenda’s mom makes fun of Pubes’ upbringing. She says as a child Pubes would have been all “Mommy I want these shoes. Oh, they’re a $100? That’s okay, no problem!”

Ah crap, looks like Halie and George are in this episode. Ducky says their Hawaii trip will help her “catch up with” her new husband that she lives with and sees all the time.

And now Motley and Joey act like they are the Doctor and Rose and fate has dealt them an unfortunate hand because their work shifts just don’t line up. And then, Spellcheck calls Motley multiple times in a fake set-up scene, and I really really wish I could screencapture Joey’s acting for you, because it is first rate...Joey, Google tells me the closest community theater is called The Pentacle Theater, and they are putting on Of Mice and Men this summer, and you would absolutely slay as Lenny. Everyone acts like life has suddenly changed and Motley doesn’t have time for friends anymore...but she was working her pizza job and going to school and living with Joey before she got married, so the only thing that has changed is now she has an assistant producer telling her she doesn’t have enough time for friends and to talk about that more. Motley lies that she wants to make everyone happy (except for Joey, probably).

George and Ducky are on their much needed and wholly deserved vacation in Hawaii to get rid of all the stress of being young and white and thin and middle class in America. OKAY then Ducky says that she likes regular Oreos better than double stuff, and she can fuck right off my tv screen with that nonsense. Regular Oreos' only purpose in life is to serve as the base for cheesecake cupcakes.

Before she was Motley, Emma was just Emma. Emma is hanging out with Spellcheck, and finally we are witness to stage one of Emma’s transformation to Motley.

Stage One: It begins

Spellcheck feels left behind, Nick Cage-style. Pre-Motley says “pariah-tizing” things are difficult right now. Spellcheck retorts that if Motley were single, Spellcheck would just phone her up and they would go out. What? Is Joey locking her in the basement at night? Motley then nonsenses that finding time for friends is hard because she doesn’t have “so many friends, but [she] has a lot of very close friends.” So I see she is not majoring in math or english. All of her friends want to hang out at the same time, and methinks that’s called a party. Have one.

Brenda is still harping on about the shoes on the birthday.

Ducky is still harping on about missing her family. Ducky tells this chick at work who is trying to be her friend that all of her friends are George’s friends. Um, ask this chick out for caffeine free coffee or whatever your kind does. Also, it’s time for another fun fact from a former Mormon. At church, there is a group specifically for women called Relief Society that meets every Sunday and also has Wednesday night activities occasionally, and you go to people’s homes to visit other women in the church, and they come to visit you (the Mormon church keeps tabs on it’s members). So, there is literally no excuse for Ducky to not be making new friends, either at her job or at church, that have nothing to do with George. She is just choosing not to, and I have no patience for that. Oh okay, but her next statement clears everything right up. She tells her coworker that her sisters were her best friends and who she hung out with. It’s seems little Ducky here has never had to make friends. This is one of the problems with a large, insular family.

George takes Ducky to his friend’s cabin for a ski trip. Ducky is seen hanging out with lots of other females, but then complains that George’s friends are all older so they’re intimidating. Maybe. But maybe none of them invite her out because she seems so mopey and can’t stop talking about her family for one second. Ducky sleeps while everyone else is hanging out. I mean, I totally get being the wife and hanging out with a well established group of spouse’s friends. It takes time to integrate. But part of that process is being part of that process. If you establish yourself as an outsider, you will never be an insider. Gawd, I should write a one-a-day self help calendar.

Motley complains about being an adult and having to work more, and her parents interview that she needs to get over it because it only gets worse. Motley and Joey then have the realization that I suggested a few paragraphs ago and decide to have guys and girls nights so that they can see everyone in one go.

Brenda, Pubes, and Cappuccino the cat host a birthday party for Pubes’ skate shoes. Brenda and Pubes didn’t have enough money for pizza and cake (guess why), so they opted for pizza. Pubes pulls out leftover ice cream cake that is so sad it looks like it is made of Brenda’s tears.

Brenda’s tears

Everyone looks as disgusted as if the cake was actually covered with pubes. Brenda interviews again that Pubes bought skate shoes. Yeezus, I really should have been counting this, but I am not starting the ep over at this point. Let’s just put the counter at one mention for each pubic hair on his stupid face.

Ducky is in bed, and it is the middle of the afternoon, and since I write a wildly successful self help calender, I will diagnose her as depressed. She could use one of my calendars or some counseling, or both. But neither Ducky or George have the wherewithal to realize this. We have a shot of Ducky in bed alone in the house cuddling a teddy bear. Which is fine until you realize that this is being shot by a camera crew presumably of middle aged men. So, in this house, there is a teenage girl alone cuddling a teddy bear being filmed by 2 or 3 men. If she weren’t 18 we would call this a felony.

Ducky calls her mom. She complains, and her dad has some truth to lay on her. He reminds her that George spent two years away from his family, and Ducky is all “I knnnooooowwww” and he then tells her that happiness is a choice, and she can choose to be happy in any situation (someone’s been reading my calendar!). Bam. Her mom asks her if she has any regrets moving up there, and she doesn’t answer.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Pubes attempts to slice that awful ice cream cake up and serve it to people. I thought these were your friends! Oh god, Pubes says he has a gift for Brenda and says he needs a chair and “this is going to be awkward and scary” and please god don’t let it be a strip tease. It would be awesome though if it turns out the skate shoes are for Brenda! Oh no, it’s just going to be a shitty song. That song we heard teaser lines from in previous eps. I will transcribe for you. As for the tune, imagine what kind of tune someone like Pubes would come up with. It’s worse.

   I’ve been waiting my whole life to say I love you to someone like you.
   I’ve been waiting my whole life to say I love you to someone like you.
   And challenges will come our way
   but baby you know I’m here to stay
   because I’m so in love with you
   and I’ve been waiting far too long
   to be together in our home
   just us and our little Cappuccino
   and our little Cappuccino
   and our baby Cappuccino


I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t that one of Shakespeare’s sonnets? Did he just plagiarize?” but I assure you he did not. He is quite the lyricist, but I cannot overstate how much this kid cannot sing. I think Cappuccino jumped out a window during this crap. He states that he worked on this for months (really??), and he sang this to Brenda when he proposed and egads she said yes?? So, Pubes is thus far terrible at:

   1) budgeting
   2) writing lyrics
   3) singing
   4) sex
   5) electronics

Is he also a terrible skater?

Motley is hanging out with the girls. Remember when she said she had lots of close friends? Well, lots seems to be 2. Joey is going to a bar with 4 other dudes, so he wins the friendship contest. Joey talks about how little he sees his wife, and one of his friends says he is still in the honeymoon stage. Joey lays some truth on this yokel and says they’ve been together for four years--the love is long since dead. Motley is having her nails done, and the nail lady tells her that if she is going to fight with her husband, fight naked. Now I am picturing J+M naked. Gross. And then her two friends laugh, and she laughs, and the nail lady laughs, and they all laugh, and I feel like I’m at a yogurt party.

Yogurt is fun! Let’s bond!

The show is interrupted for a Sarah McLachlan commercial about a sad homeless puppy. Oh no, sorry, it’s just the loneliest Ducky walking alone on a lonely deserted road while lonely clinky piano music plays. She swings on a swingset alone. She calls her mom. No one answers.

For just $1 a month, you can adopt this homeless puppy.

Back at the yogurt party, Motley says she fights all the time with Joey about little stuff because she is a nag. Motley gives him a daily chore list like my mom used to do for me during the summers when I was in middle school. Joey’s friends tell him he’s whipped. He says no, he’s in love. He explains the difference thusly: being whipped is when you do everything your spouse says just to get laid while being in love is doing everything your spouse says, but with no promise of sex. His friend quips he should put that on a Hallmark Card. Turns out Joey’s wifi password is “JoeyIsWhipped”. I cannot make this stuff up. Joey, stop making my job so easy! One friend interviews that his balls have disappeared and are probably in Motley’s purse at home. I concur.

Pubes is letting his dumb show again, surprise. B+P admit to their friends that they don’t like saying husband and wife in front of people their age because it makes them feel weird and different. To counter his own point, Pubes interviews that he likes being 20 and married because it makes them unique and cool. So...which is it? Weird or cool? Brenda and Pubes avoid talking about their differences (oh, like abortion? and skate shoes?), and Brenda says their differences could cause problems down the road. You think? Where is your mother for some interview straight talk? A friend just happens to bring up politics after an AP slipped him $20. Pubes delusionally claims they don’t talk about politics because he is not as passionate about it so he just chills and hold on a sec I have to pick my eyes up off the floor where they fell out after rolling them so hard. This is the same douche that said he wants his kids to be Republican because he’s so passionate and who advocated strongly against an abortion (though to be fair, that was because it might make him feel bad, not for political reasons). Brenda calls BS on that BS.

Ducky cries yet again because she is depressed but doesn’t know to call it that. George is a wee bit frustrated, and so am I.


Next episode looks like lots of fighting, and I CAN. NOT. WAIT.

About the Author:
I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.

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Sorry Not Sorry: I'm Not Going To Straighten My Hair

By Riot Trrrt

Posted on Tuesday, July 11th, 2016

“Your hair is so pretty! Have you ever thought about straightening it?”

For many people, that is a compliment. Yes, on the surface, you just told me my hair was pretty. According to girl code, that’s a baseline of small talk. If you had left it at that, it would not be an irritating statement.

When you have curly hair, people LOVE talking about your hair. From the time you are born, when people remark that your curls are beautiful, to elementary school, when kids tease you incessantly because you were the unfortunate singleton cursed with non-straight locks that your mom cut into a bowl of ugly crazy for some unknown reason, to junior high, when the other girls are constantly offering to gel and straighten your hair out of the goodness of their kind souls, but then laugh at you for looking different the minute you fall out of their good graces, to high school and adulthood where people constantly feel the need to discuss what you do with your hair and what you should be doing to make it actually be pretty. Yes. People love talking about your hair. Particularly while sticking their hands in it without permission. People love discussing where it comes from. Is it because you’re Irish? Is it because you not all of your ancestors are white? Inquiring minds need to know!

I was blessed to have the particular kind of curly hair that refuses to cooperate under most circumstances. I inherited it from my father, so my poor mom had no idea how to deal with her daughter’s coarse, thick, tangly mane. To cut down on time spent brushing my hair, she cut it into a bob in first grade that lead to three years of kids laughing at my general appearance. It didn’t really help that there was one other girl in my school with thick hair, who was mocked even more than I for her general ugliness. I never thought she was ugly, she just looked different, like me. I'd sheepishly defend her, and people would look at me like I was insane for thinking she was anything but strange, despite looking quite similar to her.  

You see, despite a heavy marketing campaign that tells you otherwise, being different is considered a social faux pas among students in the microcosm of elementary school.  Kids can be great, but they can be awful, and my childhood was no different.  Just like every other kid, I wanted to be a regular kid.  One that was accepted by her peers.  I’m sure that my other generally strange mannerisms and habits, in addition to my being a neurotic know-it-all didn’t really help my social status, but having an easy insult placed upon my head definitely set me into a lower social caste to begin with.

By the time I reached junior high, I had begun perfecting my outwardly visible lack of really caring about what my peers thought. For whatever reason, my winning personality had made me more acceptable amongst the pretty girls, although I highly doubt any of them truly considered myself a friend. They often spoke with me with a tone of pity, offering to do my hair for me, since they apparently knew better. While they were doing my hair, they would always try to commiserate about their own hair troubles, about how they actually had really curly hair (curls that I never saw, it looked pretty darn straight to me). Because their hair always ended up straight, it always seemed like curliness was considered a defect that some people were able to mask, like acne being covered with makeup and pudginess being eliminated with crash diets. When they were finished, I never really felt that my hair looked particularly different when they were done, but I did feel like that week’s charity case. 

My own group of friends was actually fairly awesome towards me, but in true junior high form, whenever we would argue, their first line of attack was to comment on my inherent ugliness in the form of insults about my hair texture. I put on a brave face. I laughed it off when people pointed out that one curl was doing something especially weird. I pretended to not care when people pulled curls and yelled “Boing!” (seriously, don’t stick your hands in people’s hair). I acted like “Wow, you should really just straighten your hair” wasn’t an insulting thing to say to a person.

High school was more of the same.  By then I had some control over the curls via a system of hair gel and braiding while my hair dried.  Still, it was curly.   I was invisible to the male species, except as being their awesome friend. As a sort of defense mechanism, I became more a “dude’s chick”, because if they weren’t going to want to sleep with me, it would be nice if they at least wanted to hang out with me more than the other girls. I still remained a sort of whipping girl amongst my female friends. It was the 90s, the time of the short bob, and my hair just didn’t allow me to conform. I took more of a punk/hippie stance to my appearance. If I couldn’t make it behave, I’d at least have it be long and streaked with whatever color I wanted.  I could at least pretend that my appearance was a little bit intentional.

My school was quite small and 99% white. From a young age we were taught that you would never mock someone for being special needs, a different color, or a different religion. However, less obvious differences were fair game. To this date, one of the most Mean Girls moments of my life occurred in my sophomore year, when I walked into school and up to my friends one morning. I said hello, and a girl who was usually nice to me turned around and said, “If I were you, I’d just shave my head”, before turning back to her conversation. It was in front of everyone.  Everyone heard.  I responded with, “Thank you?” and walked away, hearing just one person saying, “Hey, that was kind of mean”, but being followed by nobody. That’s how it was in high school. At that point in my life, I was used to people randomly touching my hair (but please, really, get your hands out of my hair). I was used to them pointing out that it didn’t curl uniformly. I was used to boys pulling it because they were being “funny”. Whether I wanted it or not, curly hair had started to become a part of my identity. Being told to shave my head by a friend as a part of general morning pleasantries was too much.  Even worse, nobody else seemed to think anything of it.  I made it through the school day, went home and cried.  Later on, people came to me and said they thought that the girl was really horrible for saying that.  It didn't change the fact that nobody really stuck up for me.  The damage was done.

By my junior year, I’d had enough. I decided one day to try straightening my hair. Armed with my friend’s 2” barrel, we spent an hour going through each lock of my hair. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly looked like everybody else’s hair! This would show them! I really wasn’t that different. When I showed up to school, I got the most compliments of any day of my life. I assumed that would happen, because I agreed, it looked good. I was not prepared for the added “compliments” that accompanied 50% of the responses:

   “You should do that all of the time!
   “You’d only have to do it every three days, and it would look so good!”
   “It looks so normal!”
   “It’s so much better this way!”

That day, something inside of me changed. I had spent 17 years of my life being someone with curly hair. Whether I liked it or not, I had hair that was different, and it was mine. Yes, I looked different than normal when my hair was straight. Telling me that I needed to look different than myself as the norm was so insulting, and they didn’t even realize it. For years, I had accepted their insults as the natural order. It made sense to insult curly hair, because hair should it be straight. For whatever reason, being told that I could be just like everyone else if only I changed this one feature of me was the ultimate insult.

This lead to the ultimate moment of teenage introspection.  If I was a 90's movie, there would be a Gin Blossoms song playing in the background while I wandered aimlessly for a night.  Who cared if my hair was different? Why was that so wrong? The fact was that it wasn't wrong.  If people didn't understand that, they were jerks.  I straightened my hair a few times after that, always to the same reaction. After the novelty wore off, I saved straight hair only for dances, times when people would go to the salon for fancy hair anyway. My prom pictures had me rocking some natural curls, and I looked beautiful.

I soon left for college, where I went to a large state school. I suddenly went from being a girl nobody noticed to being a girl boys liked. Every guy I dated had a thing for chicks with curly hair. For the first time, my hair wasn’t a liability with the boys. For the first time, people didn’t really care (not that I was going to change it anyway). The first time I went to the East Coast, everyone made sure to point out if something contained pork. After a day of this, I asked my friend why, and she said it was because I looked like a stereotypical Jewish girl. What? I look like other people? I’m not a weirdo? That was the moment I realized I was never moving back home. I would never be a novelty again.

After all was said and done, the moment I finally felt truly at peace with my appearance happened because of an interaction with a 9-year old. It came randomly while I was working with her at a camp. She reached into my hair, petted it, and said, “Hey! You have ‘mixie hair’ like me! We could be sisters!”. She then pulled her hand out and said, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t touch it. You should never grab other people’s hair. I hate that.” This five second reaction remains one of my favorite life moments.

Now I’m old. Most of my childhood neuroses are gone. The only time I get annoyed now is when I go to a salon for my hair being highlighted. It always leads to two hours of people first discussing how my hair looks when its brushed out (spoiler: large), then discussing how dry my hair is, then realizing it isn’t really unhealthy (it was just brushed out while dry), and then telling me that they are really great at styling curly hair (maybe, but not mine). Also, have I thought of the Keratin treatments or a Brazilian Blow-Out? I’ve solved that with going to a salon that specializes in curly hair. It’s worth it to not have to have a two hours of feeling like a corkscrewed frizzy side-show attraction. Sometimes if I’m feeling generous, I let the stylist straighten my hair. 

But no, I’m not going to straighten it all of the time. This hair is mine. And seriously, get your hands out of it. 

About the Author:  

A master of dry sarcasm, I’ve devoted my life to the pursuit of knowledge and good music, subverting the system, celebrating good times, enjoying the weirdness of life, pointing out the ridiculous, and helping others. I consider myself a breaker of glass ceilings/chains, a fighter of equal rights, and a lover of chocolate chip cookies.

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Teenage Newlyweds Episode 5: How NOT to Spend Money

By Basic Tart
Posted on Saturday, July 9th, 2016


We start with Brenda and Travis and their nonexistent “pregnancy scare”. Travis is still trying to convince Brenda to keep the baby BEFORE THEY’VE SHE’S EVEN TAKEN THE PREGNANCY TEST. This is a discussion that should have happened before they got married and then after a positive pregnancy test. Just pee on the damn stick already! Brenda says she has “dreams and aspirations and goals” and doesn’t want a baby until her late 20s. Travis doesn’t understand why Brenda wouldn’t be able to go to school if they have a baby. Miriam (Brenda’s sister) says that she and Brenda are the first women in their family to go to college and education is very important to them especially with everything their mom sacrificed for them. Finally, FINALLY Brenda goes to take the test. But we don’t get to see the results yet. Gotta build the suspense y’all! (And suddenly I’m from the south. Sorry.)

Halie calls her mom to let her know she got a job as a personal assistant to and executive at a makeup company. George and Halie are driving (again? Why?) and I suddenly realize Halie wears plaid flannel shirts whenever they are in the car and now I’m distracted. In this scene she’s wearing TWO plaid flannels. And I’m super confused. George is in a t-shirt so it can’t really be cold enough for TWO plaid flannel shirts.

Oh, good Lord. They are talking about finances and savings accounts and neither of them has a clue. George doesn’t even know if you can take money out of a savings account. Halie’s dad is going to be in Utah for business so they decide to ask him for advice on “financial stuff”. DuckDad (thanks Jurassic Tart) says it’s important to save, save, save because money is the root cause of most divorces. Might have been a good idea to teach your daughter about finances when she was growing up instead of over a weekend visit, “If you front end load your life the back end will look tremendous”.

Now we get to Emma and Joey. Emma is doing a selfie-interview and says if they buy a house they will use all their savings and won’t have any money left over for emergencies. Then she says, “I think that’s kind of a rough way to start out a marriage.” Yes, Emma, yes it is. So why are you pushing Joey to get a house right now? Wasn’t that YOUR idea? Emma’s dad says she grew up watching her mom take charge of the checkbook and finances and when he saw Emma doing the same he thought she should encourage Joey to “be engaged”. Emma clearly didn’t listen to that advice and continues to do what she wants. Emma and Joey are also driving and Emma tells Joey he needs to learn to cook because he spends too much money on food while she spends too much on clothes and furniture. When Joey brings up Emma getting her hair done she says it’s “actually okay for me to do…because it makes me feel better”. And the wise one has spoken. Too bad she didn’t listen to Joey and avoid the Motley hairstyle! Emma continues to lecture Joey about his allowance and how much he’s allowed to spend on things. We also find out that her paycheck goes to savings, his goes to bills and her tips are their spending money. Not a bad plan except it seems like this was Emma’s decision and she’s treating Joey like a child instead of a partner. They are still driving, Emma is still talking, and Joey fell asleep, likely due to Emma giving him a neck massage (while she drives).

Halie is excited to see her dad who is visiting while he’s in town on business. She says it’s the first time she’s seen anyone in her family in two months. While he’s there he is going to teach them about money since he is a financial advisor. His first question is if they have a budget and they don’t. We also find out that Halie thinks George is an emotional spender because one time when he was sad he bought a Taylor Swift CD. The subject of kids comes up and Halie says they want six kids and her dad is excited for them but warns that kids cost more than you think they will.

We finally get back to Brenda and Travis and the pregnancy test. In a shock to no one but the two of them, Brenda is not pregnant. They both feel relieved that they can once again avoid the topic.

DuckDad is still talking to George and Halie about finances. George works in the warehouse at an electric wholesale supply and goes to community college. Halie has a job as a personal assistant and will start college soon. DuckDad helps them figure out their budget. Then he gives a power point lecture that Halie really enjoys and makes George look like he’s about to cry:

Joey says they want to buy a house because, “Emma sees renting as throwing money into a pit. It’s more her idea but I stand behind her 100% on it.” Unfortunately for you readers I’m doing the recap this week because I’m sure Jurassic Tart would have a joke about Joey standing behind Emma. Joey and Emma decide that they don’t want a fixer upper (sorry Chip and Joanna Gaines). Emma’s mom seems to be the one pushing for them to buy a house while Joey’s parents realize how much responsibility a house is and think they should wait. I’m #teamjoeysparents on this one.

Travis and Brenda explain that they are both in school full time right now and Brenda has an office job but Travis isn’t working because he has difficult courses this quarter (see: Electronics) and his financial aid came through since he got married. Brenda says she makes $10/hour but only works 5 hours a week. Brenda’s birthday is coming up so they decide to have a party. She says they need to decide on their budget before they make a shopping list. Travis asks how much they have to spend each month and Brenda says they have no money to spend. BRB, making a LARGE NOTE to talk to my kids about money today so that they aren’t as unaware of how money works as these three couples are. Brenda’s mom says money is a problem in a lot of relationships because people spend it on things that aren’t necessary and don’t have enough for the things they need. Foreshadowing? While they are doing their budget Brenda says she will get paid bi-weekly and her checks will be “like $150 at most”. Um, Brenda. If you make $10/hour and work 5 hours a week your checks will be HALF that thanks to taxes. Brenda and Travis do not math. Brenda says she’s concerned about the differences in their spending habits. Her family didn’t have much money so she’s used to shopping at thrift stores and Travis is used to buying brand name products. Travis has $500 in the bank and Brenda has -$100 so they have $400 to spend over the next 3 months. Brenda says $120/month will not be enough for their expenses and food which is “completely unreasonable, it’s too little”. She thinks that $120/month might be enough to cover their groceries. Travis’s dad says, “I don’t even know if he can spell savings.” And then Travis says, “For this month let’s say we can spend a good amount of money and then next month we can budget.” Looks like his dad is right.

In the next scene we see Travis skateboarding and in an interview he explains how important it is to him (we figured that out when he went on a skateboard to buy the pregnancy test) and how he needs new skateboarding shoes. Uh-oh. Don’t do it, Travis! Then he’s driving with his friends and says, “I’ll probably spend like $50.” DON’T do it, Travis! His friends ask if he’s talked to Brenda about getting new shoes and of course he hasn’t. He says they have separate bank accounts but they “aren’t supposed to go buy stuff on a whim” which his friends point out is exactly what he’s doing and he laughs. They say he should blame them for making him buy new shoes. What?! Why do so many guys think “my friends made me do it” is a legitimate excuse? It’s not and it never will be. Then they start talking about Brenda’s birthday party. Travis has conveniently planned it so that he can watch the football game before the party starts. That’s right- they have no money and he’s spending money they can’t afford on skateboarding shoes the week of his wife’s birthday. He’s such a winner. He tells his friends Brenda has accused him of making football more important than her. She’s right.

Emma and Joey go to look at a house while his parents say it’s important for couples to save money and she wishes they would have done that. Turns out Joey and Emma are looking at a house that is twice their budget. Um…isn’t that something you should know before you see the house?

Halie videochats her family and then says how hard it is being away from them. Glad she mentioned it in this episode because I almost forgot how close she is to them. Then George comes in with a bunch of food and says his parents are coming over for dinner and they sent food so all George and Halie have to do is heat it up. Halie doesn’t look happy because A) she can’t be with her family so why should he get to be with his and B) they will be there in 15 minutes. George says he’s trying to make Halie feel like part of his family but she’s holding back. He sets the table while she cooks and then says his job is done. Hey George, you can cook, too! Especially when you invite your parents to have dinner and don’t let your wife know in advance!

George’s parents show up and say that it’s a nice dinner. I’m glad they like it since they bought it! In an interview Halie says how hard it is that George’s family is 5 minutes up the street and hers is so far away that she can’t see them for a few months.

Halie and George talk about how it was nice to see Halie’s dad and he talked to them about finances. George’s dad asks how she’s doing being away from her family. She says it’s hard but she “wouldn’t have done it if I didn’t love George”. George’s dad encourages her that it will get easier to be away from her family. In an interview DuckMom says, “The hardest part is we’ve worked so hard at keeping our family unit together and she doesn’t know his (George’s) family at all.” This would be why it would have been good for them to date longer and spend time with both families before they got married. Too late for that, though. George says he wants to do something special for Halie to cheer her up.

Travis gets home with his new shoes. Here’s what Brenda thinks about that:

Looks like you should have listened to me when I told you not to buy them, Travis! She immediately calls him out for buying shoes on his birthday weekend and asks how much they were. He admits they were $70 and is lucky she didn’t kill him. He says he didn’t tell her he was buying shoes because he didn’t want to argue about it. Guess what, Travis? Pretty sure you’re still going to have an argument. And I’m right. After they are done talking about the shoes Brenda says they need to go shopping for the party and Travis asks if he can stay home to watch the football game. Okay, here’s the thing: Travis is a jerk but part of that is because he’s young and immature and doesn’t know when to put his wife ahead of himself. There’s a chance he will outgrow SOME of his jerk-ness. But there’s also a good chance he will lose Brenda because of it first. If they had waited to get married they would have had better communication skills and been able to compromise more because they would have been together longer so they would have understood each other better and been more mature.

After seeing the expensive country house Emma and Joey find a cute house in town that is for sale by owner. It’s really cute and might be perfect for them. They think the same thing and then find out that the owner already has an offer on it.

George is talking with Halie about how much she misses her family and asks how he can help. Sweet, right? Except then he says he doesn’t think the solution is go see them. And he surprises her with a trip to Hawaii. That he’s already paid for. Halie is not happy or excited and does her best not to lose it on him while reminding him they can’t afford a trip like this.

Emma and Joey are still talking to the owner of the house they like and tell him if the current offer falls through they would be interested in the house. The owner says it’s unlikely to fall through but he will let them know if it does. As they drive away Joey says how stressful buying a house is. One point for Joey!

Travis and Brenda are going to get food for the party when Travis gives Brenda his phone and asks her to check the score of the game.

Brenda just gives him the look. They get to the store and Travis is practically running down the aisles and says, “…we still have time to catch the game, don’t you understand?” TRAVIS! Brenda is trying to stick to the budget and pay attention to what they are buying which gives Travis time to check the score. In an interview Travis says they are missing the game to go shopping which is “stressful and upsetting” and I want to strangle him through my TV. Travis is getting everything name-brand and trying to hurry while Brenda is trying to stick to the budget since her idiot husband bought himself shoes he doesn’t need. They finally get to the checkout where their total is $29.95 and Brenda only has $25. The cashier and I have the same feelings about this.

Halie and George are still talking about Hawaii and Halie tells him he’s “really great but it’s really a whole lot of money” and asks if he can get a refund on the tickets. George just walks away. Halie clearly feels bad but is right that the trip and the cost are not good ideas with their financial situation.

And that’s it for this week! Next week Jurassic Tart will tell you all about the Teenage Newlyweds friends!

About the Author:
Mini-van driving, coffee and wine drinking, sports loving, chocolate eating, work outside the home, cradle/cafeteria Catholic, pro-vax, married mom of 3 (including twins). I enjoy reading Harry Potter, romance novels, People magazine and true-crime. I live in the rural American heartland.

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Working Moms Aren't All Bad

By Zootartia

Posted on Thursday, July 7th, 2016


If you really loved your kids, you wouldn’t let someone else raise them.

That statement pretty much sums up the feelings of anyone who thinks a mom with young kids shouldn’t be working. For many years, I was one of the people who bought into that. I understood that for some women, staying home was simply not a choice; if the options are putting food on the table or staying home, you should always choose food on the table. I gave those women a “pass.” Their situation couldn’t be helped, but I but felt bad for them, because obviously, they must wish they could be the coveted SAHM.

I am a feminist. I think women should be able to do whatever they want to do. If they want to work, the workforce should embrace them, and we should make daycare affordable and available. If women don’t want to work, we should support that choice too. But deep in my heart, I felt like maybe the women who chose to work without needing to didn’t love their kids as much as the ones who stayed home.

When I had my daughter, all of my beliefs seemed to be confirmed. I loved my daughter so fiercely and with every ounce of my being, that leaving her for even an hour seemed impossible. When she was first born, going out without her was a luxury I’d only give myself when she napped. I was determined to be with her as much as possible and not miss a single milestone; I would be there for every first coo, crawl, step or word, and I would interact, engage and teach her every waking moment. Unfortunately, I fell into the category of “have to work to put food on the table,” and after 4 months of maternity leave, reluctantly returned to work on a modified, part-time schedule. I was crushed.

Even though my daughter was going to be watched by her grandmothers (they alternated care days), I hated that they were getting to watch her grow up while I had to go to work. I started looking for other jobs that would let me maintain my part-time schedule or work from home, since my current job would only let me work part-time for an additional 3 months. I sent out resumes and reached out to industry connections, all while vocally cursing my lot and wishing my husband made enough money for me to be home with my baby.

After about 6 weeks of working, something changed. I started to look forward to the days that I worked, and the 2 weekdays I was home alone with my daughter started to drag. I gleefully looked forward to nap time, because I couldn’t think of enough “engaging” activities that she enjoyed that didn’t make me want to stab myself in the eye. When I was home, it was hard to see what I’d done for all of those hours. Was going to the park, nursing, changing diapers and struggling to keep the living room clean really the best I could do all day? I struggled with my self-worth on the really bad days when my husband came home to a cranky wife, a disaster of a house, dirty laundry and zero plans for dinner. I was home all day, after all- why did I get nothing done?

Work became a respite. It was a place of adult conversation. I felt useful and productive. I could look back at the end of the day and be proud of what I’d accomplished. I knew my daughter was creating these great bonds with her grandmothers and began to think of that as a positive instead of a negative.

I somehow wasn’t missing milestones. I was the first person to see her crawl, and her first word was still “mama.” She was attached to my hip and when I was in the room, she wouldn’t let me out of her sight (or, more honestly, wouldn’t let me out of her baby death grip). She still knew I was her mom, and loved me more than anyone else. I realized I liked being back at work, and I was a better mom for it. On days that I worked, I came home more excited to play, and spend time with her. I wasn’t counting down the minutes until the next activity- I was present, and our time was much better quality even if the quantity was reduced. I knew at that point even if my husband could support us, I would never choose to stay home full time with my daughter or any future kids.

Cue the guilt. All of those years of thinking that only “bad” moms wanted to work started to nag at me. Did I not love my daughter as much as other moms? Was I a bad person? Should I have even become a parent? What did this say about me? These questions started to eat me up inside, and I kept my happiness of being at work quiet. I didn’t even tell my husband because I was afraid he would judge me and hate me for it.

I agonized quietly until one day, I was out at lunch with my mom and the baby and she told me she was jealous of me. I was confused. What could she be jealous of? She looked me in the eye and told me that it was very hard for her to be home all the time with me and my brothers back when she was a stay at home mom. She had missed working and feeling useful. She resented that my dad got to go out and interact with other adults. She sometimes felt like she was wasting her brain. She was jealous of the fact that I still got to work.

I didn’t know what to think. My mom had sacrificed a lot to stay home with me and my brothers. She and my dad made the conscious decision that despite the financial struggle they would face (we were barely scraping by when I was little), my mom would stay home until the youngest was in school. My mom was the model SAHM. She ran the PTA, and was class mother for all of us. She ran school events, and never missed a practice or game. She loved us more than anything. When I asked her about this, she explained that she needed those things to keep her feeling fulfilled. Being part of the PTA or running the school carnival gave her a sense of purpose with achievable goals.

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest and burst into tears. I spilled everything, and explained how I’d been feeling for the past few months. My mom hugged me and she told me it was OK. Loving your kids but not wanting to be around them 24/7 didn’t make me a mom who loved my little girl any less. Wanting to use my brain and fulfill a career I’d worked almost 10 years to build was a good thing. My daughter would remember that I was a mom who did her best, and not care that I was a mom who wasn’t around every waking minute.

I love my daughter. I love my job. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive, and I know that now. After a long struggle, I can say proudly and with confidence, that being a working mom is right for me.

About the Author:

I'm a married, New Jersey mom who spends works her day job planning events, and spends 24 hours a day trying to figure out how to be the best mom I can be to a "spirited” daughter. I love football, ice cream, the beach, working out, binge watching Netflix, and judging people who don't vaccinate their kids.

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Picnic Friendly Cheesecake Cupcakes

By Bea Tarthur
Posted on Wednesday, July 6th, 2016


Do you struggle with ways to include cheesecake in your life? Do you struggle with full sized cheesecakes that are difficult to transport and share? This recipe is for you. I’m not saying you have to share but this makes a dozen cheesecake beasts, so it’s only a little bit of a sacrifice.

Finished product first so you can know you’re making the correct decision for a cheesecake filled future.

Ingredients

Cookie base:
12 cup muffin tin
12 cupcake liners
12 sandwich cookies (Whaaaaat? You may say. Just go with it.)

Cheesecake filling:
1 lb room temperature cream cheese softened (I left it on the counter for an hour)
½ cup of sugar (you could reduce this to ⅓ of a cup if you want a less sweet version)
2 eggs
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

Sour cream topping:
½ cup of sour cream
¼ teaspoon of vanilla extract
2 tablespoons of sugar

Bonus supplies needed:
Whisk or mixer
1 large mixing bowl for the cheesecake filling
1 small bowl for the sour cream topping

Oven temperature:
325 degrees F

Cooking Times:
5 minutes for the cookie base
20 minutes for the assembled cheesecake cupcakes

Quantity:
1 dozen


Directions

Preheat your lovely oven to 325 degrees F.

Take your muffin and line each spot with a cupcake liner. I strongly suggest using liners for this recipe. The cheesecake filling is too delicate to try to spray the sides and pop the cheesecake cupcakes out unscathed. Place one sandwich cookie into each liner. I used vanilla sandwich cookies but you can use any flavor that you wish. Place the assembled cookie base tin into your heated oven for 5 minutes. Why? The cheesecake mixture is quite wet and this helps to dry out the bases a little so they don’t get immensely soggy.

After 5 minutes, take the tin out of the oven and set aside. Leave the cookie bases in the tin.

These cookies want you to join them on a wonderful adventure.

In your large mixing bowl, it’s time to assemble the ambrosia of man, the cheesecake filling.

First, scrape your softened pound of cream cheese into the bowl. Using either a whisk or an electric mixer, beat the cream cheese until it is uniformly soft and whippy. If you’re using an electric mixer, start on the lowest setting for about 30 seconds until the cream cheese is easy to mix. Increase the speed to medium and this should take about another minute. Create a well in the middle of the cream cheese.

Pour your teaspoon of vanilla extract, 2 cracked eggs, and ½ cup of sugar into the well. If using an electric mixer, start it on the lowest setting unless you want to clean wet cream cheese from your ceiling. This should take about 30 seconds until it is lumpy but a cohesive mix. Increase the speed to medium and beat for another 90 seconds until a whipped mix. Set aside.

In your small bowl, combine your ½ cup of sour cream, ¼ teaspoon of vanilla extract, and 2 tablespoons of sugar. Mix with a spoon until combined. Protip: the sugar will likely not integrate well at first. Allow it to sit for 5-10 minutes, stir again and the sugar should have dissolved into the sour cream mixture.

Now that your cookie bases are cooled, spoon 1 ¾ tablespoons of the cheesecake filling into cookie base liners. I used an ice cream scoop, but you could easily use a large spoon. You may have extra mix but I urge you not to overfill the liners because you still have the sour cream topping to add. Smooth the cheesecake filling so that it is mostly even on top.

On top of the cheesecake filling, add 2 teaspoons of sour cream filling. You do not need to worry about overly smoothing it as it will even out while cooking.

Look at how lazily these were assembled.

Bake the fully assembled cheesecake cupcakes for about 20 minutes. They will not seem fully set but they should be fully cooked.

Allow to cool on a cooling rack for 15-20 minutes and then cool in the refrigerator for 2-3 hours.

These are best served the first day. They will still be good the next day but the cookie bases will have substantially softened.

About the Author:
After a long career as a fetus, I was pushed out into this world kicking & screaming about the lack of internet, reality tv, and 30 minutes or less pizza delivery. It would take far too long for me to receive these simple requests.  When I'm not wishing for the future, I'm running around my home pantsless, blasting PJ Harvey, and shakin' my buns.

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It's Just an Infection: Leaving

By The Tart From Down Under
Posted on Tuesday, July 5th, 2016

This post is a follow up to It’s Just an Infection.


Leaving the hospital without a loved one is the hardest thing anyone does, especially leaving with no knowledge of their well being. I don’t remember walking out, I don’t remember going home.  I remember Mr. Down Under’s parents being thrilled that their son was okay, that he would be okay. But to me, we didn’t know, he was being operated on, open heart surgery that could save his life, yes, that was true, but it was dangerous, and I was numb.

Our home at the time, had a large claw foot bath, with the shower head above it.   I remember sitting in that bath, with the water running over me, scalding hot and feeling like I was freezing. I sat there for a long time, watching the water drip.

After finally dragging myself out, I was taken out to dinner, “to celebrate”.  My parents, Mr. Down Under’s parents, and our friends that had been present during our time at the hospital went to a restaurant nearby.   After dinner, we went home and I finally went to sleep.

Waking up was surreal. I was alone, but could hear movement and loud talking in the house, but I felt wrong. It's hard to explain. Looking at the clock on my side table, I realised it was really early in the morning. My mum burst into the room holding my phone and repeating, "Hang on, hang on," over and over. It was Mr. Down Under’s Oma, she was scared, and with her thick accent my mum wasn’t sure what she was saying, I calmed her down and she told me that she didn't have his parents Australian number so she called me to find out if he was okay.

Now that I was up, I realised I didn’t know if he was okay. I calmed Oma down and promised to have someone call her back. I rang Mr. Down Under’s parents and they let me know that they spoke to the hospital this morning.  He was out of surgery. Rushing through breakfast with my Mum, we head to the hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital it was to an awake Mr. Down Under. I was so happy to see him, and he apologised for scaring me. He had had his breathing tube removed, so I was able to get in a kiss, but he still had some drainage tubes attached to the sides of his chest. The lung infection was mentioned, and that it may cause some issues with recovery, but nothing seemed dire. I spent the day sitting with Mr. Down Under relieved that he was going to be ok, and eventually was sent home by nurses at the end of visiting hours. After open heart surgery, Drs set patients up with a physio. Sitting and standing as soon as possible is crucial, it helps the patient to recover from their surgery. Mr. Down Under was to begin physio in the morning.

It never happened. Overnight there was a setback, speaking to his surgeon, he was worried, he had been worried. This is why he wanted to postpone the emergency surgery. Having heart surgery is a huge risk, having it while battling a lung infection is dangerous. Mr. Down Under’s oxygen saturation levels had dropped overnight making breathing difficult, he was placed on high pressured oxygen, which didn’t do much for his sparkling personality. I love the man, but he knows how to be a crank. Hospital and needles weren’t helping.

As I left the hospital that night I was stopped by Mr. Down Under’s nurse, Mia.  She told me that the Doctors had just completed their rounds, and that they were discussing sedating Mr. Down Under, and replacing his breathing tube. On the way home from the hospital we were called, the Doctor’s had decided it was the best course of action to help Mr. Down Under’s recovery. They sedated him that night, and to this day I feel awful that he went through that alone.


About the Author:
A 28 year old Aussie, from the beautiful South-East of Queensland, a lover of chocolate, good white wine and books, I'm an almost married mum to two, aged 1 and 3, who is pro-vax, pro-choice and pro-you do you. My partner and I run a small business from home.

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Teenage Newlyweds: This Very Special Episode Brought to You by OthroTriCyclen

By Jurassic Tart

Posted on Tuesday, July 5th, 2016

Previously on Teenage Newlyweds: Brenda let Travis put it in her, and I can’t even.

On this episode: Imma do you a service and provide a little abstract for this week’s non-episode. This is the most contrived thing I’ve seen on reality tv in quite some time. Brenda and Travis (Pubes) fake a pregnancy scare, Joey and Emma (Motley) consider the totally made up possibility that her womb is barren, and George’s brother gets paid by a producer to drop his kid off with George and Haiyliey (Duckface) so they can get some babysitting experience. The whole thing is the only show faker than Ancient Aliens.

We find our intrepid heroes, Motley and Joey, bitching about the fact that they don’t know anything. I have a feeling they have this conversation a lot. Motley and Joey both have different reading comprehension skills (Joey’s at a 2nd grade level, and Motley claims to read chapter books, but those chapter books are actually just Sweet Valley Kids). They don’t agree on what was in the mortgage broker contract they just signed. Motley talks out of her ass a lot, using the principle that if she just says something with enough confidence, people will believe her. People is Joey, and he brilliantly responds that he hasn’t studied real estate so can’t argue with her. Point Joey. They finally decide to use their phone a friend lifeline to call Joey’s dad. Joey’s dad tells Motley to STFU and listen to the broker. Motley is not pleased with being wrong.

Not Pleased.

Brenda has a cat named Cappuccino, and I’m not sure she knows it’s not a real kid. Brenda foreshadows her “story-line” for this week by saying how great life is without kids, and they don’t want kids for 10 years. Then she bathes Cappuccino and swaddles her into a cat burrito (same thing they serve at Taco Bell) and somehow manages not to get her face clawed off. Pubes says Brenda would be a good mom...because she wraps an annoyed cat in a blanket? Okay. THEN, oh THEN, the Republican in-laws talk about how Brenda will make the most amazing mom (because she’s Mexican and has such a good work ethic and being a SAHM will keep her from stealing real Americans’ jobs). Following that, Brenda’s mom gets real and says being a mom is no joke and most of the responsibility will fall to Brenda because she’s a woman (and her husband is a Republican douche) and it will ruin her life. I really like Brenda’s family.

Duckface does an interview while taking a poop--multitask girl!

Ducky talks about how hard it is to live away from her family, and I’m kinda wondering why she has never brought this up before. George says he’s been reflecting on the reason he got married so early, and that reason is “Um, I want a family, I want a strong family” which translates to “I want to stick it in my wife at least 8 times.” George and Ducky discuss how if they had a kid right then, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world...no Georgie boy, the worst thing in the world comes a couple years later, when your nightmare child turns two. They discuss the preferred birth order of their children, like their future uteruses enclosed in female bodies matter at all (I’m being harsh, but I was Mormon for a brief time. Women’s sole purpose in life is to bear children and stay at home with them). They both devalue their future uterii with legs by talking about how many boys they want. Ducky says she wants two of the six to be uterii, and George is all, nah. THEN, oh Mormon Jesus, I am never going to leave this scene, but there is so much here. Then, Georgie says that he wants to wait because he still needs to get to know his wife first. Fuck you and your wet dream inspired sham wedding, George. Fuckface tells Ducky he knows she will be such a good mom. What is up with men thinking this is some great compliment to lay on a 18/19 year old? It just icks me out. Like, fellas, these women have other attributes. Also, they are children and should not be having children.

Joey and Motley are shopping for “baby..sup-supplies” for their 21 year old friends who want 12 kids. Motley’s parents interview to never have kids without figuring out your damn budget yet, because otherwise you will be getting a part time job just to pay for someone else to raise your kids. Minus points for that judgemental attitude, Motley’s mom. I’m not super impressed with your mom skillz, so don’t go hating on daycare. Also, remember for later in the ep that Motley’s mom is a judgemental bitch. Joey maths that kids cost $2 million dollars from birth to 18. Next, Motley picks out a fox hand puppet, and Joey says it’s perfect. Motley asks how much you would use that as a parent and Joey says all the time. “I’d probably just sit there in front of the tv and play with it.” Let’s hope he sends his kid to daycare. Kids are our future, y’all.

And now, Brenda is getting BC advice from Dr. Google. She learns that missing pills can cause you to become pregnant. Also, for some reason, she conveniently has her little OrthoTriCyclen pack right next to her in the shot, which I don’t get, unless this is some product placement, for a product that could have failed. 

She skypes her sister, and her sister says to take a pregnancy test, and here we go with this fakeness because now she has to talk about the possibility of it being positive without ever taking the damn test. And that is the most annoying part of this ep. Take the damn test, then talk. Actually, talk about this shit before you get married and become sexually active. Pubes is a douche who said he would leave her if she got an abortion. Kids, that’s called a red flag. Do not get married if you do not agree BEFOREHAND what will happen if you get pregnant. Oh, wait, she clarifies to say that he said he would force her to have the child and then take the unwanted child and leave her. Perfect.

We then have a conveniently timed on camera phone call where Adam, the brother who skipped out on half of Georgie’s and Ducky’s wedding (and no we won’t be getting an explanation for that), asks GD to babysit his devil spawn next weekend.

Problem Child

Alright, I have to agree with Basic Tart. A suspicious amount of this show occurs in the car, as we see Motley and Joey driving and talking yet again. I think what is actually going on is that they have permanent dash cams installed, and then the camera crew has scheduled days to show up and film (maybe when an AP finds something interesting on the dash cam?). So most of the unprompted talking naturally occurs in the car. Motley says of course she wants kids ASAP, but they need to meet their own goals before that happens, and Joey responds with, “Kids kinda are my goal.” I gotta hand it to Joey. Motley seems like the domineering one in that relationship, but in his own quiet way, he does not let her walk all over him. Motley’s stuck-up judgemental mom interviews that they want more for Joey right now, and she goes on to clarify that she means a better job and a house. Motley’s character is becoming more understandable every time her mom is on screen. Joey shows some insight and asks if he’s too immature to have a child. Motley hesitantly responds, “You still have a little bit of maturity to go, but that’s normal for some...a boy your age, so...”

Georgie boy says that having DevilSpawn over will give him and Ducky a chance to see what they would be like as parents. Wrong. So wrong. Babysitting, even overnight, is not the same as being a parent. It is one aspect to it. But as a parent, you also have to worry about the child day in and day out, and that wears you down, and you have to work a job and worry about your budget and meeting your kid’s needs financially. Also, as a babysitter, you feel compelled to interact with the child 24/7 rather than have the child exist as part of your household while you attempt to do chores and pay bills, etc. Babysitting is just not the same at all, even when it is exhausting. Adam seems like he is looking forward to a night of drinking and pretending to not be a parent. Adam says GD are not ready be to parents right now “whatsoever.” Adam, I really hope you get a spinoff show with Brenda’s mom, and we call it “Keepin’ It Real”. GD let DevilSpawn play outside on a playground in the freezing cold at night to wear him out, either from swinging or from expending energy to maintain his body temperature--does it really matter which? Ducky says it’s time to fly south for the winter (or go inside), and DevilSpawn says no. GD’s preferred parenting strategy seems to be “Spineless”. They get him inside and make him say a prayer (which I hope they cleared with his father first, and I don’t mean his Heavenly Father) and then give him one slice of cold pizza while they eat nothing and stare at him and it is all very awkward.

Joey is having a drink with his friend, Ace (not his real name, but I didn’t catch it), and discussing Ace’s wife’s due date. Ace maths that he only knows the due date, but he can’t math the months left from that. Joey then maths back that Motley has 3 or 4 years left of school, he’s not sure which. Ace advises him not to wait on kids then. Ace conveniently brings up what will happen should Joey’s sperm be braindead (likely) or Motley’s uterus be a hostile environment (also likely). Joey says he would “so adopt.” Motley is driving and talking (what else?) with Marrissa, and I hate that spelling so I shall call her Spellcheck. Motley says she’s not prepared to raise another human being, but I’m wondering if she will ever be ready? She sucks. In a super weird coincidence, Spellcheck asks what will happen if Motley’s womb sucks as much as she does. How prescient that two friends are asking the same questions of our intrepid heroes. Motley says that she would not be a good mom....for an adopted child (but I don’t think she needed to add that part). She’s had friends who were adopted who had shit lives, and she couldn’t handle the emotions of an adopted child.

YALL. OMG. Brenda asks Pubes how skool was and he says, “It’s okay...I didn’t understand my electronics lecture.” So many things here. 1) I bet he says that about a lot of classes. 2) I was a science major, so immediately, an “electronics” class sounded false to me. Does he mean “electrical engineering?” I have searched the UC Irvine course catalog, and there is no “Electronics” course or anything similar. So Pubes is an idiot. I have never in my life heard electrical engineering or digital programming or any such thing referred to as electronics. Why? Because scientists and engineers like to sound smarter than they actually are (case in point: this entire paragraph I’m writing) and so will smarten up class names rather than dumb them down to an aisle name that you see at Walmart. Brenda then fucking baby talks that she is late with her period. I hate baby talk. I had a roommate in college that would only talk in baby talk to her boyfriend, and he lived with us, and it made me want to claw off my own skin and jam it in my ears so I didn’t have to hear her. For clarification, her period is 2-3 days late. Now, I have taken many a pregnancy test in my day for the same time frame, but I also always knew I was being ridiculous. Pubes asks her if she could be pregnant. She says she doesn’t know, and he says, “Well that’s not a very good answer.” What is she supposed to say? You’re majoring in electronics--can you create an ultrasound machine out of crap in your apartment to check her uterus for signs of life? Brenda then suggests she should take a pregnancy test, and Pubes goes to get her one, because as a woman, she is not allowed to buy them? I don’t get why he skateboards to the pharmacy for her.

Georgie boy freaks out when DevilSpawn farts in the tub. Dude, you know young kids poop in the tub, right? You got off easy. GD are letting DevilSpawn sleep in their room, so they definitely won’t be getting pregnant tonight. They take DevilSpawn to church, and then give him back to Adam and then presumably go to sleep. Welcome to the dead marriage that kids induce. George says to Duckie he barely even knows her (we know!) and wants time with her without kids, even if that’s selfish. Translation: Georgie wants to have sex for a while before kids sap all the energy for that.

Pubes comes back with the best pregnancy test money will buy, and he prays with Brenda before she takes it. I mean, if you think prayer will work as a method of BC, shouldn’t you pray before the sex occurs?

And now, for the most awkward scene this evening. Motley says they should wait for kids until she is done with college and Joey responds, “Why is it that I’m the one who has to wait?” Joey’s life goals are marriage and kids. Motley’s are getting a degree. Maybe they should have talked about this before getting married? Joey says he would want to adopt if they can’t have kids because Motley’s womb is too acidic. Motley freaks the fuck out, and it is weird. She gets really uncomfortable, calls Joey ridiculous, and shuts the conversation down. She almost starts bawling. I cannot overstate how weird this is. She is not adopted that I can tell (her mom looks like her). Motley would rather not have kids than adopt and will not continue the conversation. I’m wondering if her extreme uncomfortableness with adoption comes back to the same idea of her mom’s “not letting someone else raise your child.” Food for thought.

Finally, we end with the fake storyline of Brenda’s non-pregnant uterus. She STILL hasn’t peed on the stick. They talk about options. Pubes says no abortion, and Brenda shuts that down. She tells him that this conversation is easy for him because “You’re not the one who has to give so much. You’re not the one who has to sacrifice your dreams.” and it is so fucking perfect and you can just see it going over his head. Brenda, he is so beneath you!! Why did you marry him?!? To him, you are a uterus who has the maternal, nurturing genes to raise a child. If you were more, he would listen to you when you say you are not ready to be an organ donor! (Sorry if that is harsh. But I heard pregnancy compared to being an organ donor once, with everything you are required to sacrifice for 9 months, and I thought it was a perfect analogy.) He asks if there is no possible way for her to achieve her goals of going to grad school while having a baby and she says no. Rather than him saying he will do 90% of the work to make it happen. Again, that idea seems to go over his head like his electronics lecture. Fucking Pubes’ parents interview that these doofuses are in no way ready to have a child, but they do not support an abortion. In fact, RepubDad says, “We would support them having a live birth.” I know this is a long recap, and I apologize, but this whole convo is so fucking infuriating. Brenda says she would want an abortion and FuckFace says, “I wouldn’t want that. What if that makes me feel bad?” And I just want to drink an entire cup of his male tears because like his opinion fucking matters. Oh, this is the face of him feeling bad, BTW.

Cry male tears, you bitch!

Pubes tells her whatever she decides will affect their relationship, and I think it already has, and she should divorce him on the spot, and it ends with her going into the bathroom.

About the Author:

I am a scientist and mother of twin girls. I enjoy murder mysteries and feminism. My best friends currently reside on the Internet.

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